You Never Know What Can Happen

Entering into another summer, Pampers and Pinot will be on hiatus this time around.  You see, I am supposed to be writing myself out of a job, people, and it just hasn't been happening while I work, blog, mother, clean, cook, drink wine, and generally save the universe.

I am going to have to try and give myself a blogging break to see what kind of momentous things can happen.

Like this.


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Or, this.

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You never know what can happen.

I do so love the blogging experience, and I know I'm really good at helping you all laugh along the way, so I'm sure I will be back, perhaps when the leaves start to fall...

Sin City Knows My Name

I may or may not be involved in some of this the next few days:

I may or may not tell you about it when I return.

Wine, Cheesecake, and a Good, Clean Man

Questions:

1. Right now I could really eat _________?

There is nothing I want to eat. I just finished dinner. I would like another glass of wine.

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2. Full length pants or capri's?

Full length pants. Capris are totally over-rated.

3. The best smelling men's cologne (women's perfume for the guys playing) is ________?

Just good, clean soap and shaving cream scent is good for me.

4. What is your favorite kind of Cheesecake?

I'm not a sweet tooth kind of gal, but, cheesecake? Mmmm. I like it cuz it's not too sweet. And, with red wine? Fahgetaboutit. Some plain cheescake with red wine sounds good. If it had topping on it, I'd probably scrape it off, and I would NOT want chocolate cheesecake. Too much.

5. What TV Show do you currently never miss?

Real Housewives of Orange County. Love those crazy bitches of Bravo.

Good Friends Have Good Dirt

One of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompts this week is to have a friend write a post on my blog about me. I chose to do an interview with one of my best friends, Amy, and share it here. (Similar to the interview I once did with my mom, and it is scary how similar some of their answers were!)



Amy and I have worked together for 8 years - all the years I have lived in Colorado. We have been at two schools together and have seen five bosses come and go. We have grown closer and closer over the years, and I couldn't even imagine what I would do without her. It would be a sad, dark, lonely world without her by my side!

Amy and Me, pre-kids, 2005 (I have done my own version of "photoshop" on the creep that wouldn't leave us alone that night.)

Me: What do you think my readers would be surprised to learn about me?

Amy: I think you’ve dished it all! Anything else that they don’t know, I have to take to the grave.

Me: Yes, that is true! (Inside I’m thinking, She just passed the good friend test.) Anything about my personality that would be surprising to my readers?

Amy: How highly perfectionistic you are.

Me: Yes!

Amy: If things don’t go how they’re supposed to go or how you are expecting them to go, you get completely thrown off kilter.

Me: *Sigh* I know. ‘Tis true. (She knows me so well! EVERYTHING is supposed to go the way I want it to, dammit.)

Amy: And, as sassy as you can be, I think your readers would be surprised to see you in action at work. You can be so professional, and you know when you have to rein in your sass. But, it is funny, I can almost hear your thoughts as professional words are coming out of your mouth!

Me: What do you think is the most shocking thing I’ve done at work?

Amy: When you told our old boss to stop acting like our mother and to treat us like the professionals we are.

Me: Yes, a proud moment. That was a long time ago. I better step up my game. What is the most shocking thing I’ve done outside of work?

Amy: I was totally shocked when you threw up in my car...and in a cab...and on my front porch. I can’t wait to see what’s next!

Me: Those were not proud moments. I’m sorry. Whatever. Better keep the hose ready. Has anything shocked you that I have shared on my blog?

Amy: Nothing shocking to me, but I was surprised that you ended up sharing excerpts from your novel because you have been so secretive about it.

Me: I already know what you would say is my most memorable post.

Amy: Yes, the most memorable one was your airport story with Parker. I can just SEE it happening just how you wrote it.

Me: What makes you laugh about me?

Amy: HA! Where do I begin?! Your expressions – the way you say things. It’s just amusing, even when you don’t intend to be. You are very expressive. You have a lack of filter – when you are comfortable – you can be so candid and tell it like it is.

Me: Why are we good friends?

Amy: Well, we’ve gone through hell and back together at work! We also became mothers together and experienced hard things with our children together. Now, we are trying to get our lives back together now that our children are growing! We have had similar life paths.

Me: How are we different?

Amy: You are more of a risk-taker than I am. I have it in me, but you bring it out in me. I like to have fun, but you tend to leap first, and then I follow!

Me: After all that, please share some nice things about me.

Amy: You have been a phenomenal support system to me in some very trying times. You always try to be a peace-keeper and make everyone happy. You always think of others before yourself. You paid to clean the car you threw up in.

I Always Knew There was Something Wrong with People who Hate Cats

On Bethenny Ever After, Bethenny said, "Humor trumps professionalism."

I totally agree.

I have been known to play jokes at work. It is just too much fun. For me.

You would never guess I'm such a menace.

But I am. There is a glimmer in the eye, you see?



Years ago, I decided to play a joke on a previous supervisor on MY birthday. I had heard whispers that people were planning to prank me for my birthday. So, I thought, I'll strike first! Bwa, ha, ha!

Anyone who knows me should know that this is a compliment if I will spend time to play a joke on you. I thought my old boss knew that.

He was quite the family guy with pictures all over his office of his gorgeous little ones - twins! - and his wife.

He hated cats.

On his birthday, I waited around until he was gone to break into his office.

I had printed some really, really great pictures of cats off the Internet with a color printer. Pictures like these:


























I am not a total menace. I CAREFULLY removed his family pictures - every last one - out of the frames and CAREFULLY placed them in a ziploc bag and CAREFULLY placed the bag in my desk.

Then, I put the cat pictures in all of his frames around his office.

I came into work the next morning, giddy, excited for the absurd hilarity to cause loud laughing and guffaws from everyone, including my boss.

The front secretary was near tears. "Kristy, he's looking for you. He is so upset. I didn't even want him to know that I knew about it!"

"What?! Are you kidding me?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No! He's pissed!"

I was incredulous, and I felt bad that I had involved our poor, dear secretary in the heinous act.

I went to my office, still not believing anything had gone wrong. Who wouldn't think that filling a cat-hater's picture frames with ridiculous pictures of cats wasn't funny?!

He was there to talk to me. He shut the door.

He explained how precious his family pictures were to him. "Of course I know that! Look!" I exclaimed as I got out the CAREFULLY saved pictures and explained just how careful I had been. It didn't help.

He said he felt that someone was intending to be a menace to him. Someone was "threatening him." Giving him the what-for, if you will.

To that, I exclaimed, "No, no, no! Don't you think it's funny that I put CATS in your picture frames? You hate cats! Ha, ha..." I trailed off, as he was not softening and did not laugh along.

Wow, the dude was TOTALLY serious.

In spite of myself, I went on, "Don't you realize what today is?"

He looked at me blankly.

"It's my birthday!" I said.

He looked at me blankly.

"I thought you guys were planning to prank me on my birthday, and I thought I would do this before you had a chance to do anything to me! That's all!" I said.

He seemed to soften his demeanor at that a little. I apologized profusely. He managed to say, "It's ok." I CAREFULLY replaced the pictures.

But I kept the pictures of the cats. I'd take them out every once in a while and have a good fucking laugh.

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This week's RemembeRED memoir prompt at Write on Edge was to recall a prank that did not have the results you intended.



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To my bloggy friends who noticed my absence as of late, I was on Spring Break. But, I'm back. And doing the best I can.

Peep Show

Here is the next "peep show" at my novel. I'm getting ready to link up with Write on Edge and their Red Writing Hood prompt tomorrow:

Dante, via Write on Edge

Kate was wary of a couple of the dancers. She was wary of Brandy. She was nice to her because she gave her crystal here and there. Kate and Marisa preferred coke but would take crystal when coke wasn’t around. Brandy was intense. She was young and cute, but there was an edge to her, like she was moments away from snapping. She was hyper. She was sweaty. If she would take another shower, reapply her make-up, and calm down a little, she’d be a whole hell of a lot sexier, Kate would think. Brandy did well with tips because she was athletic and could do all kinds of tricks and spins with the pole.

The look in Brandy’s eyes scared Kate. Empty and desperate. Brandy would openly stare at other dancers, the Amazons. You could just tell that she was jealous. Or something. It made Kate wonder what was going through Brandy’s head.

Kate was adamant that she not become like Brandy. Kate knew that she was no saint. She took any drug that came her way, but she still felt like she had things in control. She felt like she didn’t look like she did any drug that came her way. But, Brandy made Kate wonder. What kind of line was there to be crossed? How many more drugs before I look like her? How many more months in this place? Then Kate would reassure herself. I do not look like Brandy. I will not look like Brandy. Everything is fine.

Marisa liked to tell herself the same thing.

Marisa, who could not be found sometimes, and then would show up. I’m fine! I’m fucking fine. Let’s do this.

Marisa would saunter off in heels that looked as if the point could cut glass, and she would kill it. She would get on stage and move like the world was in her hands. Like she could squeeze the money from any sucker off the street. Then, darkly, through her hair, she would look around a room full of desire and need, and all she could see was darkness.

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If you'd like to read more on Kate and Marisa:

Who Do You Think You Are?

What if God was One of Us?

A Night With No Limits

Being a Mommy Takes Ninja Mind Tricks

When my son is trying to do something he is not supposed to (e.g., smush all the toothpaste out of the tube), he gets very quiet.

So then I go check on him.

I quietly approach him.

He has his back to me.

I say quietly, "What are you doing?"

Parker stands still. He looks over his shoulder. He whispers in a menacing tone:

"Go away."

I always laugh.

So, the other day, I decided to use his own trick on him.

He was nagging, as small children do, while I was cooking dinner. It was annoying. I looked over at him over my shoulder.

"Go away," I said in a quiet, menacing voice.

"Uugghh!" he scoffed at me.

When it was dinnertime, my boy said:

"I sit by Daddy. Mommy is being cranky at me."

Whatever works.

That Outside Feeling

Spring fever is starting. I feel restless and low on concentration. Makes it kind of hard to produce spectacular writing and blogging!

When I get home from work, my boy wants to be OUTSIDE playing, playing, playing. Sometimes he can be out there on his own, but sometimes supervision is necessary.



Like when you are terrorizing the neighborhood in your McQueen car while spraying silly string (I mean, SPIDER WEBS) at reckless speeds.

I am linking up with Kristi at Live and Love Out Loud for Wordless Wednesday!

Party Animals

Yesterday was a BIG day!

My boy turned 4 and had a fabulous Spiderman birthday party. The house was full with friends from preschool and daycare.



I told Parker, "My favorite part of the party was watching you have so much fun with your friends!"



Parker said his favorite part was swinging and sliding on his new swingset from Grandma!



The pinata was fun too.





We made up for Santa's mistake at Christmas and bought Parker the amazing Bat Cave he's been asking for.



Not only that, then we went to hockey!



You may not believe this, but I am TIRED. Happy Sunday, everyone!

Wanna Play?

Something wonderful has happened around here!

For the first time, my boy was asked by a neighbor kid to play outside.

We are entering into an era where The Child can play outside, and I can keep an eye on things here and there while I'm inside.

My son is an only so it sure is nice that he has some other kids to play with, and they're not in my house fighting like brothers and sisters do.

He was so excited by playing with kids outside, he emphatically nodded his head saying, "Yes, Mommy," as I told him, "No going in the street!"

As the kids ran around the front yard, I could see Parker run by in a flash with his hand out in front "spraying" spider webs and shouting, "Here comes Spider Man!"

It's amazing how he's getting older and bigger at lightning speed. His fourth birthday is next week, and it is the first age where being a "big kid" is very important to him.

Obviously, we have not yet hit the phase where being "cool" is extremely important. Thank God.

Very Important Questions, Very Important Answers

I am linking up today with Sweaty at Do Sweat the Small Stuff.

I charged 11 Tag-ees with the following questions, so it would only be fair if I answered them as well, no? (Hush, you're right, doing this is easier than thinking of a new, original, spectacular post today.)

What do you think is the funniest movie of all time?

To the chagrin of my parents who never appreciated British humor, I have to go with Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail.

"I'm French! Why do you think I have this OUTRAGEOUS accent, you silly king?!"

What is your most frequent, daily worry?

That I am gaining weight. I know. Totally vain and slave to the ridiculous double standard in our society for women. But, tis true.

Best travel destination?

A warm beach - usually Mexico.

Name one big adventure you would like to still accomplish.

Publish a book. Travel off the North American continent.

What is your favorite weekend activity?

Going out to eat.

What could be a song on the soundtrack of your life?

Come on Eileen by Dexy Midnight Runners! Freaking LOVE that song. So much fun, so dance-able. It is MY song, people. If you hear it, look around, I may be nearby, dancing like no one's watching.

"We are far too young and clever!"

When do you feel most energetic?

On weekend mid-mornings after coffee and getting ready to work out.

What book are you currently reading?

I just finished Bossypants by Tina Fey and loved it!

"My obstetrician suggested...that perhaps I hadn't rested enough during my pregnancy and that was why she was so small. 'What a cunt,' I thought to myself in what was either a flash of postpartum hormones or an accurate assessment of my doctor's personality."

Good stuff, people.

What would be your luxury item if you went on Survivor?

I do not know the rules and parameters around Survivor luxury items, but I would have to go with WINE.

Biggest turn on in the opposite sex?

Confidence (not arrogance), sense of humor

Biggest turn off in the opposite sex?

Bad hygiene, being self-absorbed, narrow-mindedness and feeling threatened by things outside of their comfort zone

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Wine a Bit. You'll Feel Better.

The RemembeRED memoir prompt at Write on Edge this week is to write about wine, coffee, or chocolate.

One of the best vacations my husband and I have ever taken was in the wine country. Are you surprised? I didn’t think so.



We talk about it all the time like it is part of an era gone by. Vacations are a whole lot different nowadays with a child.

We had been to Sonoma before this trip. This particular trip was more off-the-beaten-path, north of Sonoma/Napa, north of Santa Rosa. We were in the Dry Creek and Russian River Valley around Healdsburg and Windsor. We stayed an entire week at a small resort and mostly did biking tours of the surrounding wineries. (It helps that I have experience with biking and drinking as I explained here.)



Although I would never call myself an athletic-type, I can kick ass physically sometimes. I just typically keep my prowess on the down low.

The hazy memories I can recollect include the fact that a majority of the pourers at the wineries were intoxicated at some level. Rarely, did we pay for a tasting, and the pours were typically generous.

The most memorable winery was Christopher Creek. We happened upon it by accident down a gravel road. The pourer was a warm, friendly man with a generous spirit. The grounds were simple, but the views amazing, so we bought a bottle and picnicked there.



Armida was interesting as well. The vineyard dog greeted us at the entrance and walked us up to the tasting room. Once inside, he passed out at our feet. The pourer inside was blasting Pearl Jam and seemed to be quite intoxicated. He sold us on a special vintage called “Poizin” – a Zinfandel.

We biked over this bridge a few times on our journeys over the Russian River.



We took two days off from biking while we were there to enjoy the resort pool. So, if we were not drinking and biking, we were drinking and swimming.





We had no child at the time. We would roll up to the pool with our cooler and plastic cups. When laying in the sun, I listened to my iPod. At the time, I listened a lot to Gorillaz, specifically Clint Eastwood:

"I ain't happy but, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long
The future is coming on...

Finally someone let me out of my cage!
Now, time for me is nothing 'cause I'm counting no age."

I could barely hear Richard laughing at me as I sang and rapped along to the tune no one could hear but me.

I am now totally lost in reverie, hoping for warmer weather and moments of lying like broccoli with ENTIRE VINEYARDS of wine nearby. Sigh. Summer?? Vacation?? I need you now…

Tagged

I've been tagged by Kara at Nest Candy for 11 Random Things!



I'm a playful type, and I don't mind the occasional tag, so here goes.

Here's how it works:

-Post these rules
-Post 11 random things about yourself
-Answer the questions set for you in their post.
-Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
-Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them.

My 11 Random Things:
1. I just updated my "Best of" page up above there. Go ahead. Check out some of the best of Pampers and Pinot!

2. I really like cheese.

3. I long for the ocean.

4. My least favorite time of day is 3-5 pm. Every day, I'd prefer to just skip it and get right to dinner.

5. I don't really have a sweet tooth. I did when I was pregnant.

6. I'm going to go to Target later to get some things and stuff.

7. I love listening to my music in the car really really loud. I have a problem with blowing out speakers. I'm totally that lady rolling up to the grocery store blasting my def tunes.

8. I have really vivid dreams every night. I have a few different homes around the world that I revisit in my dreams here and there. I try to play games with my dreams and think about what I want to dream about before I go to bed, and then I see if I dream about it. Most of the time I do. Sometimes I don't.

9. I'm afraid of the novel I'm writing. It's very ambitious. I don't know if I have it in me. But, I actually take that as a good sign that I'm on the right track.

10. My favorite game on my smart phone is Ant Smashers. I find it very satisfying.

11. I love to laugh, and I love trying to find the humor in almost everything.

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My answers to Kara's questions:

1. If you could travel back in time, where would you go?

I cannot decide between two things.

I would want to go back to a day with my grandma when I was young. We had been at the beach all day. After getting clean in the shower and having that sun-kissed, tired feeling, I would enjoy the smell of her home and the fresh air outside. She had big bird cages, a tree swing, a pool, and strawberry plants. I would curl up with her and enjoy just being with her.

Another time would be a weekend I lived in Iowa on a not-too-hot summer evening. My husband and I lived in the country. We would have friends come over, have a bonfire, watch the lightning bugs (man, I miss lightning bugs), and then laze about together the rest of the weekend. I would take long walks by myself down to Wolf Creek on a gravel road.

How many books do you think you have read (just for fun)?

There is absolutely no way I could determine a guess - thousands upon thousands!!! I have always been a big reader from an early age and am NEVER not in the middle of a book.

Are you a Mac or PC person?

PC, but it is not something I am passionate about. I don't really care. Just give me something to use, and I'll freaking use it.

Have you ever ridden a train?

Yes.

Dark or milk chocolate?

Milk, I guess. Not really a chocolate crazy person. I know, I know, I'm a freak.

Running - Love it? or Hate it?

I WISH I could. Honestly. I enjoy exercising and do so regularly, but whenever I try to run, I have horrible, splitting pain throughout my calves. The idea of it appeals to me, but I stick to walking, dancing, strength training and Jillian Michael's type stuff.

What three foods could you never give up?

Cheese, bread products, and wine. Absolutely, wine is a food group. In my world.

What's a food you've never tried but would like to?

I'm adventurous with food and can't likely think of anything that I haven't tried that I would want to try. I was most disappointed by oysters. Thought I would like that, but just remembering the experience makes me want to throw up.

What length of socks do you prefer?

Ankle socks for working out; otherwise, I like socks up to my knees. So comfortable. But, I would NEVER wear them like that with exposed legs. There's a trend I do not like.

What was your favorite class in Jr. High or High School?

Nerd alert! Honors English classes. Always my fave.

Do you know a foreign language?

Double nerd alert! I took Japanese in high school because I was always up for a challenge and really enjoyed it! Of course, I don't remember much of it now, only a little.

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My questions for the next group:

What do you think is the funniest movie of all time?
What is your most frequent, daily worry?

Best travel destination?
Name one big adventure you would like to still accomplish.
What is your favorite weekend activity?
What could be a song on the soundtrack of your life?
When do you feel most energetic?
What book are you currently reading?
What would be your luxury item if you went on Survivor?

Biggest turn on in the opposite sex?

Biggest turn off in the opposite sex?

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Tag, you're it!

Glen's Life

Absolutely Narcissism

From Corporate to Domestic

Good Girl Gone Redneck

The Suniverse

Scattered Joy

Unofficial Mom

Wonder, Friend

With Just a Bit of Magic

Stacy Uncorked

Things I Can't Say

Who Do You Think You Are?

I am linking up with Write on Edge for the Red Writing Hood prompt this week. The focus is on conflict, inspired by this quote:

"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence."
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 – 1948)

I am bravely sharing an excerpt from my novel. You can read more about Kate and Marisa here, here, and here.

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Kate locked eyes with one of the men on the couch. Sure enough, he motioned for her to come over. Coke was lined up on the table. She kneeled at the coffee table, took a straw, and snorted a line. She sat back to drink, to wash the drug down her throat. She lit a cigarette because it was a drug’s best companion. Now she just wanted to get the hell out of there.

She did not know these men. She did not need to know these men. She hated them. They were friends of her boss. Her boss, who was in the other room with Marisa. Her boss was a disgusting man. He was short and fat with thinning dark hair. He was mean. The only time she ever heard him was when he was yelling at the girls. “Get on the floor, you lazy bitches! Let’s go!” Otherwise, he stood in the corners and watched. Sometimes he spoke with other men.

Kate and Marisa did their motherfucking jobs and hoped to have no interaction with the man.

Which was why Kate could not understand, even through the haze of her thoughts, why Marisa went to a bedroom with him. Probably, fear took Marisa to the bedroom with him, and fear kept Kate right where she was.

She dared not ask any questions and instead watched the smoke swirl through the fluorescent lights of the kitchen. The music was loud, drowning out the conversation of the men around her. She never seemed privy to the conversation of men around her.

Kate started to hear sounds coming from the hallway. Her body instantly perked up, on alert.

“Get the fuck out of here! You fucking slut!”

Kate licked her finger, reached over and dipped into the coke on the table, sucked it off and rubbed her gums in a split second. She jumped up, ready to go. Before she could see anything, she heard scuffling in the hallway, then a thud. Kate rushed over and saw Marisa face down on the carpet, but she was quickly getting herself up.

Without saying a word, Marisa looked up at Kate with a face that said, Let’s get the fuck out of here. Her lip was bleeding.

Down the hall, Kate could only see the shadow of him. “You’re fucking fired! I never want to see your skinny ass again!”

Without ever saying a word, they both walked out of the house. On their way through the kitchen, Marisa grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey.

Kate never asked what happened in that bedroom. From the look on Marisa’s face, the topic was off-limits. She only drove them away as swiftly as she could, away from a situation that could have been a whole hell of a lot worse.

(I deeply apologize for going over the word limit for the prompt this week.)

You Gotta Laugh

Let's laugh! It's always a good time.

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I'm linking up with Kristi at Live and Love Out Loud for Wordless Wednesday!