Saturday, December 31, 2011

Our Christmas Story, Part 2 (Put this in your pipe and smoke it.)

After the gluttonous present opening on Christmas morning, it was time for a big breakfast and mimosas.

This year, I bought TWO bottles of champagne. Cuz I’m smart.

“What the? Geez, where did all the champagne go?” my brother asked, amazed, when I asked him to open the second bottle.

“I’m still on my first one!” I defended.

“Well, me too!” said my brother.

My mom looked over, spatula in hand, cooking bacon, “I’ve had two already!”

Oh, ok. Go, Mom!

Another couple of “mimosas” later (more like giant glasses of champagne), my mom sat on a chair in the kitchen with a glassy, wistful look in her eye.

“Breakfast was so wonderful,” she said. Many times.

Soon thereafter, Mom was nowhere to be found. She had slipped away quietly and passed out for most of the rest of Christmas day.


My boy had gotten the game, Guess Who (Spongebob Squarepants edition), for Christmas. I found it wildly entertaining to hear people all day, taking turns at the game. The whole family took the game very seriously.

“Does yours have….SQUARE PANTS?!” my mom would ask.


“Does yours have…….TESTICLES?!!” my brother would ask. “I mean, TENTACLES?!”


As the day went on, and the drinking, my brother would tell you that at about 4:30 pm, “Kristy TURNED.”

This is when the cooking and drinking frenzy had finally caught up with me. I was a little delirious. It was fun to watch, I’m told.

My brother said, “Kristy’s got the music flowing through her veins! Watch out!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to do air guitar and sing, “Peaches come from a CAN! They were put there by a MAN! In a FACTORY DOWNTOWN!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to go outside and smoke a cigarette with my brother. The neighbors drove by and saw me with my air guitar, cigarette dangling from my lips, and I was channeling Rage Against the Machine, “Then you do what they told you! Now you’re under control!”

It was some mid-90’s flashbacks there.

I also learned that it is not a smart decision to save rolls for one year in the freezer, planning to use them only for Christmas dinners. When you spend money on a prime rib roast, you should not care about saving a buck by using 12 month old frozen rolls. It appears that this causes the rolls to turn into flat pancakes, but hey, those “rolls” were set proudly out on the table with the wine and roast. Butter those babies up, and they were still damn good.

When we sat down to eat, I put on our family’s special Christmas CD that I created a few years ago. This is a mix very true to my family, and I love it. Kenny Rogers, John Lennon, Neil Diamond, John Denver, Oak Ridge Boys, Elvis, Elton John, and it ends with some rousing Flobot action.

By the time dinner was wrapping up, Flobots were on and my son and I danced hard in the living room. “I can do whatever I want, cuz, look, I can lead a nation with my microphone, with a microphone!”

My niece knows a good party when she sees one and joined us downstairs and proved herself to be an AMAZING rapper! She is freaking awesome. I danced to the rhymes that stumbled deftly out of her mouth. Then, she got her phone going with Lady Gaga, my mom gave me a candlestick for a microphone, and I proceeded to sing like I was a celebrity diva. I really thought, “Damn! I should have asked for a karaoke machine for Christmas!”

After this settled down, we got out the Wii balance board and put on some Wii Fit! What else does one do when they’ve been drinking all day and have had enough song and air guitar?? Get their fitness on, of course.

My niece did a lot of yoga. I tried. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do any of it. “But I usually do great with this!” I would yell as I fell over with one leg in the air.

My brother enjoyed heckling the yoga types. But, I didn’t care. I had my squirrel underpants on.

And then, what do people do when they’ve been drinking all day, have danced and rapped, and done yoga?

They watch Napoleon Dynamite. “What are you going to do today, Napoleon?"

"Whatever I want to do, Gawwwdd.”


The Day After – A Christmas Hangover

No naked Asian men popped out of our trunks the morning after Christmas, but my brother exited the basement cave with bloodshot eyes, and I looked at my mom and said, “I wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley somewhere.”

Scott looked at me and said, “Let’s go buy a karaoke machine! Gawwd!”

Instead, we went to lunch. A couple of Pinot Grigios at lunch, and it was decided that going to Kohl’s to buy Purses! And Totes! At 65% off was a fabulous idea.

Now I have a new, damn fine tote from Kohl’s, and I am just about recovered from all the festivities.


I miss my family.

I don’t look so crazy next to them. Ha!

Happy New Year’s!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Our Christmas Story, Part 1 (“You’ll shoot your eye out!” and other bad decisions are highly probable.)

We got home from our Christmas Eve dinner at a nearby restaurant and called the elves at Norad to ask where Santa was in the world.

I handed my phone over to my boy, and he said, “But my Uncle Scott and Mercedes only bring me a pile of poop for Christmas!”

I burst out laughing. I have no idea what Santa’s elf had to say about that, but apparently Parker was a little affected by my brother heckling him about bringing him poop for Christmas.

Soon thereafter, my mom realized that she forgot the contents for my tween niece’s stocking at her house in Phoenix. My niece overheard a conversation about this, and I found her crying on a couch in the basement.

This was not ok.

Everyone has a full stocking in my house on Christmas morning!

My attempts to cheer her worked, and I had her smiling and laughing in moments. But, I’m honestly not THAT great of an aunt because she finally looked at me and said, “Kristy, the more you keep talking, the more you keep cussing.”

Damn it. Well, I’m a passionate person.

We went upstairs together and found an empty house! My brother had my husband drive him to a Walgreens to get stocking loot. My son was in bed. My mom and her husband had also gone to bed (There had been an earlier incident in which my rude brother and I heckled my mom’s poor husband, Carlos, about his driving. Carlos went to bed early.)

I involved Mercedes, my niece, in my attempts to console Carlos and apologize. I fished out an old package from my husband’s drawer, a previous gag gift.

Squirrel underpants.

I wrote on it with marker, “We LOVE you!” I put it outside his door and hoped for the best. Or, as I told Mercedes, “Wake up. Get over it. Squirrel underpants.”

Little did I know that the next two days would crescendo into complete madness, which included rapping (not by me!), much air guitar, scandalous mimosas, AND yoga.

I have a feeling that Part 2 of this little Christmas ditty is going to be a good one. Stay tuned.

Looks like these types would fit in with us.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Let the Christmas Fun Begin!

You all recall that my family is:

Outrageously fun,
Small but mighty, and
Prone to inappropriate behavior.

I am so excited that they will be here on Friday! We do Christmas like nobody's business, I tell you what.

In honor of my mom, Carlos, my brother, my niece, my husband, and my son, here are some of the best blooper reel moments in which I've written about my family on this blog:

From Rude Behavior is Inevitable
"My brother is the King of rude behavior, and he will tell you that is true. One of my favorites from my brother went like this, 'God, Kristy, I was up in the middle of the night with this horrible heart burn! I was in the bathroom, and I threw up and ORANGE, ACID FIRE came straight out of my mouth! BAAAHHH!' (Like me, my brother uses a lot of growling, expression, and gesturing when telling stories.)

My husband truly must be the sanest one of us, bless his heart. He’s usually either scared and embarrassed or completely entertained by all of us. He has moments though too, of course. None of us in this world are immune. I particularly liked the concoctions he would make. He mixed tequila with margarita mix with Orange Crush soda with Dos Equis and God knows what else (the color was amazing). He found the largest, biggest BOWL of a cup to use and would pass around these wonderfully enticing drinks for all to share.

My mom is this sweet, giving, warm-hearted person. All those around her love her calm and serene energy. She is full of laughter and kindness. But, let me tell you, she can have some fun too, and when she lets loose, we ALL have a good laugh. My absolute favorite one on this trip was when we were driving through the streets of our downtown Mexican city, and Mom kept shouting through the open windows, 'FEED YOUR DOGS! HA, ha, ha, ha!'”

From Our Family Knows How to Make a Scene

“'This is the loudest fucking Mimi’s CafĂ© I think I’ve ever been in!' I yelled.

My brother looked at me, 'What?!'

'Why does it seem like everyone is shouting at each other, for crying out loud??!' I shouted.

I looked around. Everyone was so…bright, and happy, and freakin’ loud. I didn’t know if I would be able to take it.

My mom looked over at the women in the booth next to us and glared. She then looked around the dining room and shouted a general, 'SHUT UP!'

Yes, this is my family for you. No one else is supposed to be louder than us."

From Christmas Highlights (and you thought YOUR family was nuts)
"I truly loved watching my brother fall off the couch into the firewood basket. In my mind, I replay the moment in slow motion.

I was very grateful that even after slaving away in the kitchen for a delicious prime rib roast, my son actually ate his whole dinner – a mini microwaved cheeseburger.

On our last night together, our family got to watch old footage from the late 60’s – early 80’s from our growing up years. My mom’s boyfriend converted all of the footage onto DVD as a Christmas gift. Every scene had so much atmosphere…err…cigarette smoke billowing around the camera lens as all the kids played in the house. It was really a great effect.

The real stars of the holiday were: pepto bismol, mucinex, and anti-anxiety medication."

From The Blooper Reel (Family Vacation Part 1)
"Although there was no out-and-out heckling, my brother kept ogling this beautiful and tan lady on the beach. He'd say, 'Look at her. She's got this hot body and can just go lay down on a towel in the middle of the beach and look great.' (I did not look over at the time, but he may have been rubbing his belly while taking a drag on a cigarette after saying that.)

My son had a fascination for making jokes about pooping in the elevator. Every time we would take the resort elevator, we would hear a gleeful squeal. 'I'm going to poo-poo in the vator!' Parker would get in the elevator, squat a little and make grunting noises. We would watch him and laugh (this is the kind of idiot stuff that my family things is top-notch comedy)."

From The Rom Com (Family Vacation Part 2)
"Carlos had a speech. It didn't take long to realize that something exciting was about to happen. He was going to propose!

But, no! There would be no proposal and some long, boring engagement.

There was to be a WEDDING on our resort balcony THE NEXT DAY! My mom was getting married!

Much hugging, kissing, and shouting occurred. Carlos is a smart guy. He knows that we are a family that loves excitement.

Sure enough, the next day, on the balcony of our hotel room was a simple and touching wedding ceremony with only the most important people in our small family."

I hope you all have a blessed Christmas surrounded by those closest to your heart. I will be here, saying "Cheers!" with mimosa in hand, laughing my ass off, and never wanting it to end...

Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Song Bird Sunday

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Holidays are Getting Hot

I'm getting ready for some fun, fun, fun, and linking up with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop so that I may answer this delicious prompt:

If you HAD to marry a celebrity...who would make your top five list and why? (Let's just pretend you're not actually already married m'kay?)

Now, I don't really need to marry these guys. To clarify, I'd like to just...try them out and be done with them.


Brad Pitt - I'm a sucker for Brad Pitt. I know many girls have gotten over their lust for him a long time ago, but I still love to stare at that jawline. Plus, he is able to be funny (loved his character in Burn After Reading!). His rugged good looks, the twinkle in his eyes, and his constant youthful quality drive me nuts. I have been shaped into the woman I am today after seeing that HOT scene of him as the young cowboy in Thelma and Louise twenty years ago. Blush! I do go on and on. Next!


Bradley Cooper - I am a fan of the Hangover movies, and one of the reasons why is because I get to watch Bradley Cooper all hot and...dirty the whole time. He is oozing with charm in my book! And, besides, I'm a sucker for a guy who seems to have a bit of that bad boy edge.


Johnny Depp - He's intriguing to me more than anything. I like artsy, soulful types as well.


Benecio Del Toro - He's got that dark eye, smoldering look. And, I love his voice/accent. Mmm, mmm!


Matthew McConaughey - I'm thinking he's a lot

Now I suppose Santa doesn't deliver men to my stocking?

How bout you? Who are your fantasy crushes?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Meet Me on Monday

Thank goodness for easy Monday memes! I love linking up with Java from Never Growing Old for Meet Me on Monday:


1. Tomorrow I'm going to _________?

Workout. Ha! I always workout "tomorrow."

2. Pudding or Jello?

Neither really. I guess pudding, but hey, if there's alcohol involved, I'll go for the Jello.

3. What book are you currently reading?

The Faculty Club

4. What is the first concert you went to see?

Amy Grant. I kind of grew up quite the goody-goody, but I have long gotten past that phase.

5. What is your current weather?

Cold. Blah. Hoping for snow that my niece and son can play in when she comes for Christmas!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Fires for Dummies

I'm linking up with Write on Edge for their Red Writing Hood prompt this week:

Write a piece of fiction around the holiday season that begins with "The doorbell rang" and ends with "snow began to fall." Stick to 300 words.

The doorbell rang, but I was already at the door. I had heard him pull up in the rumble of his truck. I had taken another quick look in the bathroom mirror and sprinted to the door, then cursed myself for being apparently out of breath.

Deep breaths, I thought, slowly blowing the air out my lips.

When the bell rang, it was like a gunshot to my heart from anticipation.

I opened the door with a practiced smile. Standing there, with a box and clipboard, was the UPS man.

“Evening, ma’am,” he said, thrusting the clipboard toward me, “Sign this.”

“Oh, yes, thank you,” I said. I looked past him at the street and there was the big brown van, rumbling in the street.

I gave his clipboard back and took the box. My eyes searched down the street for another truck. Seeing nothing, I shut the door.

I opened the box with kitchen shears. A white sweater, matching scarf, and a card was inside. I quickly ripped the envelope open, and from the card, a piece of paper fell.

It was a printout of an Internet page: “How to Build a Fire for Dummies.”

The day before, we exchanged texts, excited about being together again. I had texted, Too cold here. Can’t build a fire without you hunny. Don’t no how. Need my man. I had meant to be clever, to give him a double meaning.

I read the note inside the card.

I have to stay another day. I’m so sorry. Keep warm and I’ll see you soon! XOXO

I put it all in the box. I put the box in the fireplace and lit a match. Outside, snow began to fall.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Just Having Fun

I am linking up with Wordless Wednesday at Kristi's Live and Love Out Loud!
Live and Love...Out Loud

Here are a couple of things I'm loving right now:

How's your holiday planning going?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Syndicated Sunday

On this relaxing December Sunday, I am choosing to re-post something from earlier this year because I just loved re-reading it myself, and you will too.

Love ya, Mom!

One of the prompts for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop in April was, “If my mom was a blogger…”

There have been times that I have heard my mom say, “I think your readers should know….!!” (what have you). So, I felt this a fine time to give my mom a voice on my blog, and I interviewed her.

Me: What do you feel my readers would be surprised to know about me?

My mom: When you leave me my grandson to take care of, you leave eight pages of instructions! I have had grandchildren before. You’re brother can attest to this. I don’t think your readers realize you are so ‘OCD’ like that.

Me: You ASK for instructions, Mom. Anyways. What have you been shocked to read on my blog?

My mom: When you called your husband ‘The Fucker!’

Me: Really?! (I figured it was when I called my son an asshole.)

My mom: Well, I know what a sweet, easy going guy your husband is, and I wasn’t thinking of him from a wife’s point of view. I was thinking about him from a mother’s point of view, and I wanted to protect him.

Me: What is it that you would want to know my readers to know about me?

My mom: You have a very unique gift of looking at life and giving a different way to look at things. If I ask you about something, you will be honest about it and give me feedback. I know you will level with me. And that has helped us have an even more special relationship.

Me: What has been something memorable from my blog?

My mom: Seeing all the dimensions of your life. There are so many different areas – your personal life, family life, work life, your going-out life/fun life. I LOVE when you write about the kids you work with. I’ve gotten to know you in an even more personal way by reading your blog.

Me: If you had a blog, what would it be about?

My mom: Raising a maniac! (my brother) No, it would be about you and Scott (my brother), and how you were the two kids that seemed to be raised by two totally different people growing up – you were so opposite.

Me: But now that we’re older?

My mom: Now it is fun! I love our crazy trips together and the holidays. But what I think really is there is the love we have for each other, how much we care for each other, and how much support you both have given me in hard times.

Me: What makes you laugh about me?

My mom: The stuff that comes out of your mouth! How do you think of it? You are so funny with Parker, and they way you look at life and the things he does. You have a great sense of humor. You also have this other side to you – you can be cynical and edgy. When you’ve had wine, your chin goes up, your eyelids go down, and you can let people have it. You have a sharp tongue. I love to watch you play Wii! You just get up there, and without even trying, you just get up and do it. You approach it with a hell-be-damned-attitude and you do great. I love to drive with you! It’s like I’m driving with myself and I don’t have to say a thing. You take care of yelling at all those stupid ass drivers out there.

Me: Do you know that I made my own cuss word for drivers on the road?

My mom: What?

Me: Fuckball. As in, "You're a fuckball!"

My mom: (laughing)

Me: So, on that note, how are we alike?

My mom: Well, we’re both Taurus women. We’re a little impatient. We have huge hearts and care about people. And, we both like wine. But, I like white.

Me: How are we different?

My mom: You’re more of a risk taker. And, you’re more determined. You’re more of a goal setter.

Me: What are your parting words of wisdom?

My mom: The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. (Lilly Tomlin) Also, don’t let the bastards get you down. Also, my mom always told me to take the high road.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Five Things

I’m writing for the Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop this week on “5 Things!”

5 things we don’t know about you:

This is hard because I don’t hold back much and I’ve told ya’ll a whole darn lot. So, I will try to think of more.

1. The only way I can truly “re-charge” is by being alone.
2. I worry a lot about what others think of me, but I have managed this better as I get older and oh-so-wiser.
3. I wouldn’t say I “collect” angels, but I sure do have a lot of them around, and I like that.
4. I do not like Nicholas Sparks’ books, nor do I like any of the movie adaptations of his books.
5. Even though I consider myself to be intelligent, I can also be an air-headed ding-bat.

5 things you’re knowledgeable about:
1. Disney Pixar Cars
2. Liking kids
3. Reality TV
4. Relaxing
5. Lean storage manufacturing and aluminum gutter systems (a result of writing freelance articles)

5 things you know nothing about:

1. Car repair
2. Football. I know nothing about it. It is like a foreign language.
3. Correct table settings – I never remember
4. Grilling and mowing the lawn – I have never done either
5. The Stock Market

5 things you believe:

1. People take themselves way too seriously very often.
2. There is so much more to this world around us than we could ever imagine.
3. Love and God is all around us in many places and in many forms (and CERTAINLY not only found in a church).
4. All the people in your life exist to teach you things about yourself.
5. Creativity is more important than industriousness.