Small but mighty, and
Prone to inappropriate behavior.
I am so excited that they will be here on Friday! We do Christmas like nobody's business, I tell you what.
In honor of my mom, Carlos, my brother, my niece, my husband, and my son, here are some of the best blooper reel moments in which I've written about my family on this blog:
From Rude Behavior is Inevitable
"My brother is the King of rude behavior, and he will tell you that is true. One of my favorites from my brother went like this, 'God, Kristy, I was up in the middle of the night with this horrible heart burn! I was in the bathroom, and I threw up and ORANGE, ACID FIRE came straight out of my mouth! BAAAHHH!' (Like me, my brother uses a lot of growling, expression, and gesturing when telling stories.)
My husband truly must be the sanest one of us, bless his heart. He’s usually either scared and embarrassed or completely entertained by all of us. He has moments though too, of course. None of us in this world are immune. I particularly liked the concoctions he would make. He mixed tequila with margarita mix with Orange Crush soda with Dos Equis and God knows what else (the color was amazing). He found the largest, biggest BOWL of a cup to use and would pass around these wonderfully enticing drinks for all to share.
My mom is this sweet, giving, warm-hearted person. All those around her love her calm and serene energy. She is full of laughter and kindness. But, let me tell you, she can have some fun too, and when she lets loose, we ALL have a good laugh. My absolute favorite one on this trip was when we were driving through the streets of our downtown Mexican city, and Mom kept shouting through the open windows, 'FEED YOUR DOGS! HA, ha, ha, ha!'”
From Our Family Knows How to Make a Scene
“'This is the loudest fucking Mimi’s Café I think I’ve ever been in!' I yelled.
My brother looked at me, 'What?!'
'Why does it seem like everyone is shouting at each other, for crying out loud??!' I shouted.
I looked around. Everyone was so…bright, and happy, and freakin’ loud. I didn’t know if I would be able to take it.
My mom looked over at the women in the booth next to us and glared. She then looked around the dining room and shouted a general, 'SHUT UP!'
Yes, this is my family for you. No one else is supposed to be louder than us."
From Christmas Highlights (and you thought YOUR family was nuts)
"I truly loved watching my brother fall off the couch into the firewood basket. In my mind, I replay the moment in slow motion.
I was very grateful that even after slaving away in the kitchen for a delicious prime rib roast, my son actually ate his whole dinner – a mini microwaved cheeseburger.
On our last night together, our family got to watch old footage from the late 60’s – early 80’s from our growing up years. My mom’s boyfriend converted all of the footage onto DVD as a Christmas gift. Every scene had so much atmosphere…err…cigarette smoke billowing around the camera lens as all the kids played in the house. It was really a great effect.
The real stars of the holiday were: pepto bismol, mucinex, and anti-anxiety medication."
From The Blooper Reel (Family Vacation Part 1)
"Although there was no out-and-out heckling, my brother kept ogling this beautiful and tan lady on the beach. He'd say, 'Look at her. She's got this hot body and can just go lay down on a towel in the middle of the beach and look great.' (I did not look over at the time, but he may have been rubbing his belly while taking a drag on a cigarette after saying that.)
My son had a fascination for making jokes about pooping in the elevator. Every time we would take the resort elevator, we would hear a gleeful squeal. 'I'm going to poo-poo in the vator!' Parker would get in the elevator, squat a little and make grunting noises. We would watch him and laugh (this is the kind of idiot stuff that my family things is top-notch comedy)."
From The Rom Com (Family Vacation Part 2)
"Carlos had a speech. It didn't take long to realize that something exciting was about to happen. He was going to propose!
But, no! There would be no proposal and some long, boring engagement.
There was to be a WEDDING on our resort balcony THE NEXT DAY! My mom was getting married!
Much hugging, kissing, and shouting occurred. Carlos is a smart guy. He knows that we are a family that loves excitement.
Sure enough, the next day, on the balcony of our hotel room was a simple and touching wedding ceremony with only the most important people in our small family."
I hope you all have a blessed Christmas surrounded by those closest to your heart. I will be here, saying "Cheers!" with mimosa in hand, laughing my ass off, and never wanting it to end...