Saturday, December 31, 2011

Our Christmas Story, Part 2 (Put this in your pipe and smoke it.)

After the gluttonous present opening on Christmas morning, it was time for a big breakfast and mimosas.

This year, I bought TWO bottles of champagne. Cuz I’m smart.

“What the? Geez, where did all the champagne go?” my brother asked, amazed, when I asked him to open the second bottle.

“I’m still on my first one!” I defended.

“Well, me too!” said my brother.

My mom looked over, spatula in hand, cooking bacon, “I’ve had two already!”

Oh, ok. Go, Mom!

Another couple of “mimosas” later (more like giant glasses of champagne), my mom sat on a chair in the kitchen with a glassy, wistful look in her eye.

“Breakfast was so wonderful,” she said. Many times.

Soon thereafter, Mom was nowhere to be found. She had slipped away quietly and passed out for most of the rest of Christmas day.


My boy had gotten the game, Guess Who (Spongebob Squarepants edition), for Christmas. I found it wildly entertaining to hear people all day, taking turns at the game. The whole family took the game very seriously.

“Does yours have….SQUARE PANTS?!” my mom would ask.


“Does yours have…….TESTICLES?!!” my brother would ask. “I mean, TENTACLES?!”


As the day went on, and the drinking, my brother would tell you that at about 4:30 pm, “Kristy TURNED.”

This is when the cooking and drinking frenzy had finally caught up with me. I was a little delirious. It was fun to watch, I’m told.

My brother said, “Kristy’s got the music flowing through her veins! Watch out!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to do air guitar and sing, “Peaches come from a CAN! They were put there by a MAN! In a FACTORY DOWNTOWN!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to go outside and smoke a cigarette with my brother. The neighbors drove by and saw me with my air guitar, cigarette dangling from my lips, and I was channeling Rage Against the Machine, “Then you do what they told you! Now you’re under control!”

It was some mid-90’s flashbacks there.

I also learned that it is not a smart decision to save rolls for one year in the freezer, planning to use them only for Christmas dinners. When you spend money on a prime rib roast, you should not care about saving a buck by using 12 month old frozen rolls. It appears that this causes the rolls to turn into flat pancakes, but hey, those “rolls” were set proudly out on the table with the wine and roast. Butter those babies up, and they were still damn good.

When we sat down to eat, I put on our family’s special Christmas CD that I created a few years ago. This is a mix very true to my family, and I love it. Kenny Rogers, John Lennon, Neil Diamond, John Denver, Oak Ridge Boys, Elvis, Elton John, and it ends with some rousing Flobot action.

By the time dinner was wrapping up, Flobots were on and my son and I danced hard in the living room. “I can do whatever I want, cuz, look, I can lead a nation with my microphone, with a microphone!”

My niece knows a good party when she sees one and joined us downstairs and proved herself to be an AMAZING rapper! She is freaking awesome. I danced to the rhymes that stumbled deftly out of her mouth. Then, she got her phone going with Lady Gaga, my mom gave me a candlestick for a microphone, and I proceeded to sing like I was a celebrity diva. I really thought, “Damn! I should have asked for a karaoke machine for Christmas!”

After this settled down, we got out the Wii balance board and put on some Wii Fit! What else does one do when they’ve been drinking all day and have had enough song and air guitar?? Get their fitness on, of course.

My niece did a lot of yoga. I tried. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do any of it. “But I usually do great with this!” I would yell as I fell over with one leg in the air.

My brother enjoyed heckling the yoga types. But, I didn’t care. I had my squirrel underpants on.

And then, what do people do when they’ve been drinking all day, have danced and rapped, and done yoga?

They watch Napoleon Dynamite. “What are you going to do today, Napoleon?"

"Whatever I want to do, Gawwwdd.”


The Day After – A Christmas Hangover

No naked Asian men popped out of our trunks the morning after Christmas, but my brother exited the basement cave with bloodshot eyes, and I looked at my mom and said, “I wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley somewhere.”

Scott looked at me and said, “Let’s go buy a karaoke machine! Gawwd!”

Instead, we went to lunch. A couple of Pinot Grigios at lunch, and it was decided that going to Kohl’s to buy Purses! And Totes! At 65% off was a fabulous idea.

Now I have a new, damn fine tote from Kohl’s, and I am just about recovered from all the festivities.


I miss my family.

I don’t look so crazy next to them. Ha!

Happy New Year’s!


Eva Gallant said...

Sounds like a wild, wonderful time!

Jessica said...

Your family always sounds like such a blast. Glad to hear you had a nice Christmas and that you have a new tote.

Tenille said...

Can I come spend Christmas with you next year? I'd totally back-up your air guitar with some air drums, specially if we pulled out some Radiohead Creep.

Glad you had a great one; happy 2012!

Lisa said...

You had me laughing right through till the end. Sounds like your family enjoy being together, what a riot! :-)

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I need to up my game, because my holiday just pales beyond albino stage compared to yours. WOW! You guys are a hoot!

Tracy said...

All we did was lay around and watch tv specials. We are so dull.

Mrs. Tuna said...

All I have done for the last 10 days is eat drink and be merry. Must get serious and stop visiting the fridge, my new bestie.

Emily said...

Drunk yoga and Napoleon Dynamite? You get cooler with every post you write! Sounds like the perfect Christmas!

Mom of 12 said...

Sounds like an eventful Christmas! Glad you had fun.

Date Girl said...

hahaha, oh this makes me miss my family. My MIL gets all drunk when we get together and repeats how wonderful it is over and over again. It's super cute!

Lol, does yours have testicles? I haven't played Guess Who in forever, but I'm betting it's a blast drunk!

Shell said...

LMAO!!! Sounds like a fun time!

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

Sounds like a much crazier Christmas than we had. :) We're so tame.

TV's Take said...

I love the feeling that 'your on fire'. Sounds like a great Xmas!!!

Jenners said...

The more I hear about your family, the more I want to move in with you all!!! : )

Actuary Mom said...

Sounds like a wonderful christmas day!! I loved the recap.

championm2000 said...

That's what we were missing this year--booze.

Happy New Year!

Natalie said...

I seriously want to attend your Christmas next year!

Kara said...

"Does yours have square pants?" lol. I remember laughing at the adults playing Guess Who with my son many Christmas ago. Come to think of it, our families are a lot alike. Except that now I have to share the wine with my grown kids and it's my daughter's boyfriend that I sneak out to share cigarettes with!
- I can't believe I just admitted that. Oh well.

Kara said...

Happy New Year Kristy!

Sandra said...

Your family is awesome! Plus I think your brother's use of the word "testicles" proves you and I were separated at birth.

jazzygal said...

hahaha!! Almost missed this but had scrolled down to find the concluding part to your crazy christmas!

We're all SO going to yours next year... we'll bring a karaoke machine ;-)

xx Jazzy

Middle State/MomZombie said...

Maybe next year your family could host a party for all the bloggers out there who have small, sober, and humorless families?

Babes Mami said...

Sounds like your family is crazy in a fun way!!