Here is the next "peep show" at my novel. I'm getting ready to link up with Write on Edge and their Red Writing Hood prompt tomorrow:
Kate was wary of a couple of the dancers. She was wary of Brandy. She was nice to her because she gave her crystal here and there. Kate and Marisa preferred coke but would take crystal when coke wasn’t around. Brandy was intense. She was young and cute, but there was an edge to her, like she was moments away from snapping. She was hyper. She was sweaty. If she would take another shower, reapply her make-up, and calm down a little, she’d be a whole hell of a lot sexier, Kate would think. Brandy did well with tips because she was athletic and could do all kinds of tricks and spins with the pole.
The look in Brandy’s eyes scared Kate. Empty and desperate. Brandy would openly stare at other dancers, the Amazons. You could just tell that she was jealous. Or something. It made Kate wonder what was going through Brandy’s head.
Kate was adamant that she not become like Brandy. Kate knew that she was no saint. She took any drug that came her way, but she still felt like she had things in control. She felt like she didn’t look like she did any drug that came her way. But, Brandy made Kate wonder. What kind of line was there to be crossed? How many more drugs before I look like her? How many more months in this place? Then Kate would reassure herself. I do not look like Brandy. I will not look like Brandy. Everything is fine.
Marisa liked to tell herself the same thing.
Marisa, who could not be found sometimes, and then would show up. I’m fine! I’m fucking fine. Let’s do this.
Marisa would saunter off in heels that looked as if the point could cut glass, and she would kill it. She would get on stage and move like the world was in her hands. Like she could squeeze the money from any sucker off the street. Then, darkly, through her hair, she would look around a room full of desire and need, and all she could see was darkness.
................
If you'd like to read more on Kate and Marisa:
Who Do You Think You Are?
Dante, via Write on Edge
Kate was wary of a couple of the dancers. She was wary of Brandy. She was nice to her because she gave her crystal here and there. Kate and Marisa preferred coke but would take crystal when coke wasn’t around. Brandy was intense. She was young and cute, but there was an edge to her, like she was moments away from snapping. She was hyper. She was sweaty. If she would take another shower, reapply her make-up, and calm down a little, she’d be a whole hell of a lot sexier, Kate would think. Brandy did well with tips because she was athletic and could do all kinds of tricks and spins with the pole.
The look in Brandy’s eyes scared Kate. Empty and desperate. Brandy would openly stare at other dancers, the Amazons. You could just tell that she was jealous. Or something. It made Kate wonder what was going through Brandy’s head.
Kate was adamant that she not become like Brandy. Kate knew that she was no saint. She took any drug that came her way, but she still felt like she had things in control. She felt like she didn’t look like she did any drug that came her way. But, Brandy made Kate wonder. What kind of line was there to be crossed? How many more drugs before I look like her? How many more months in this place? Then Kate would reassure herself. I do not look like Brandy. I will not look like Brandy. Everything is fine.
Marisa liked to tell herself the same thing.
Marisa, who could not be found sometimes, and then would show up. I’m fine! I’m fucking fine. Let’s do this.
Marisa would saunter off in heels that looked as if the point could cut glass, and she would kill it. She would get on stage and move like the world was in her hands. Like she could squeeze the money from any sucker off the street. Then, darkly, through her hair, she would look around a room full of desire and need, and all she could see was darkness.
................
If you'd like to read more on Kate and Marisa:
Who Do You Think You Are?
18 comments:
Oooohhhhh. I'm hooked!
Oooohhhhh. I'm hooked!
I'm so glad you show them the proper respect by calling them "dancers".
The first two sentences are a touch clunky but the characters,setting and descriptions are excellent.
You know I like dark, edgy, interesting stuff like this. So, more dancers and coke, please.
good piece.
Fantastic characters - you've really got something here. Something, as Lance says, dark and edgy. The idea of your character Kate so far down a bad road but thinking that she is in control is compelling.
The shift in perspective at the end of the piece was difficult to follow: "and all she could see was darkness." - I assume now that we have left Kate's head and are in Marisa's?
I think in a novel, a reader would be used to the switch, but in a shorter piece its tougher to follow!
Great read!
These characters are real and in real trouble. I'd read the book. The fact that Kate is out of control and thinks she is so in control.. very realistic.
I liked it a lot, but I think that the word limit limited the amount of detail that you could have put into it.
I do like the dark, edginess to it though!
Awesome!
I'm agreeing with the others about the dark and edgy nature. This was very nicely written.
My only critique is the same as what was mentioned by another person: the shift in POV. It's tricky sometimes but not really appropriate unless you make it obvious you are switiching to marisa. And in that paragraph it still feels like Kate until you get to that last line. I'm sure it is an easy fix :)
I like that Kate uses Brandy as a barometer of how she's "doing", when it's clear she's not nearly as in control as she thinks.
I think this paragraph:
The look in Brandy’s eyes scared Kate. Empty and desperate. Brandy would openly stare at other dancers, the Amazons. You could just tell that she was jealous. Or something. It made Kate wonder what was going through Brandy’s head.
could be worked into the paragraph above it, directly after, "She was wary of Brandy." Possibly shift some of that paragraph into a new one, with Kate & Marissa's drug preferences.
Also, I would take out "It made Kate wonder...Brandy's head." because I think the sentences proceeding it (You could just tell that she was jealous. Or something.) are strong and show Kate's interest in Brandy's thought process without stating it directly.
I LOVED the line about "...all she could see was darkness." So raw and gritty.
Wow! Great stuff!
It takes a lot to share your work out here for everyone to dissect so good for you for putting it out there!
Crazy that I didn't even know crystal was a drug?!?!?!
These girls are headed for trouble....
This is really good girl!
This is cool!
I'm enjoying reading these snippets. I like the way the story is slightly dark and mysterious. Very intriguing.
Hmmm... you are really teasing us with your titles and your snippets, aren't you?!! Really enjoyed reading this, makes me want to find out where the story goes....
xx Jazzy
Superb! Totally feel like I'm in the midst of a novel. You write beautifully!
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