Sunday, October 17, 2010

Date Night Anxiety


Everyone likes date night right? Everyone looks forward to a little grown-up time sans kids right?

Hmmm. I’m about to discuss something controversial. Every mom blogger knows that the most controversial thing you can write about is anything having to do with your husband.

Well, I am going to venture a guess that I am not alone in date-night-related-anxiety.

Usually, when date night is planned, it is in response to an over-stressed schedule and the recognition that we must remember we love our spouse and need to give them attention too.

So, the date night is put on The Calendar.

Then, my worrying begins. I cannot help it. I know it is irrational. I don’t want it to happen every time, but it does.

Will Parker be ok? Will he get upset or sad or have difficulty going down to bed or give the babysitter problems? Are we even going to have that much fun going out or should we just stay home? Will we stay up too late and be too tired tomorrow? Will it be worth it? Will I have enough energy to go out? What am I going to wear? I don’t buy “going out” clothes anymore. Do I need to wash my hair? Oh my gawd, are we going to have sex later? Have I shaved my legs in the last week? How LATE are we going to be up?

Every time, my husband is surprised by my anxiety (like he hasn’t lived with me for 13 years), and I tell him, “I’ll be fine. As soon as we’re gone, I’ll be fine,” and then I sense that he is put-off that I am not as excited as him about going out, and I worry about that.

I also know that as soon as we are gone, I am fine. Truly. And yet, I still put myself through the same useless anticipation and guilt before-hand as if I have to earn the right to go.

Is it just a natural why-fight-it type of thing that all mothers go through?

I hear some mothers get really excited to go out, look forward to it, do multiple Woo-Hoo’s! in their mind as they get ready to go, but then they get “out” and have a hard time enjoying themselves. The worry and guilt creep in.

I am just the opposite. My anxiety starts a few days before The Date Night and crescendos just at the moment we step out the door. And, as soon as we’re gone…I’m fine. I enjoy myself. It’s all worth it. Parker is good for the babysitter. He goes to bed fine. We stay up late, and we’re tired the next day, and we survive.

Why do I put myself through it? How do you handle date-night-related-anxiety?

27 comments:

Meghan said...

Oh my gosh, I get date night anxiety and I don't even have kids!!!

cristina said...

LOL, yes I have date night anxiety, it goes like this.. "holy crap, do I need to shave? wear clean underwear? wait, hold up! will he be expecting to get some action since he is buying me dinner?? what kinda girl does he think I am? it's been like 3 months since he's taken me somewhere, bastard.. ah shit, he knows all he has to do is get 2 drinks in me... I better shave!"

are you going on date nigh?

jazzygal said...

When my WiiBoy was younger I worried alright but I made a decision when he was very young. As soon as he went to sleep at a reasonable hour we would start going out again. So at age 9 months he was asleep at 9pm and would be awake by 1am. That was our window. Baby sitter organised every couple of weeks and off I went!! I knew I'd be wrecked the next day because I'd be awake most of the night, I didn't care though. I worried but I was going out. I knew he'd be fine and we weren't too far away.

My hubby isn't that pushed these days if we get out together or not. Never mentions it. We're due another one soon....I'll remind him!

Relax... enjoy! Stay close by and all will be well.

xx Jazzy

life in a pink fibro said...

You're not alone with this. Every time we organise a big night out, I'm over it by the time we go. Between sorting the babysitter, organising the kids, deciding what to wear... I'd rather stay home on the sofa. But then I go. And it's all good. I love date nights, but I think it's important to try to connect at home too. Put the kids to bed, turn off the TV and play a board game, or talk, or read companionably. It works too.

Jen said...

I usually have anxiety about what my hubby and I are going to talk about. I stress and stress about it, even make lists in my head but then when the evening comes, I totally forget all.

And that's fine because we also find something to talk about.

MrsAstor said...

YES! We have a date night coming up tomorrow night...my thoughts exactly!

Aging Mommy said...

I love your honesty Kristy. We have not had a date night for a long while as the baby sitter we had is no longer available and and finding a new one is proving difficult. I never used to feel guilty about leaving our daughter - she is a good sleeper, would be in bed and never ever woke up. But I have to be honest and say that although I looked forward to going out for a nice meal in a restaurant that doesn't serve mac & cheese what I never enjoyed was all the rushing about, planning and preparing, getting ready to go out in ten minutes and then always feeling under the gun time wise to get back home again. The last time we went out when on vacation and our in-laws were there to babysit we went to a very casual little restaurant, no dressing up for dinner, then went for ice cream afterwards and I enjoyed that much more. So as and when we do get to go out of an evening again I think we will go places where we don't need to dress up and can just sit back and really relax.

Paul and Kerry said...

when our daughter babysits our son, I have zero anxiety. She knows him inside out and both my kids are safe at home. But anyone else watching him? I'm a wreck. Until I start drinking and then i can somewhat relax.

angela said...

I'm like you; I stress about it before we leave and then am ok once we're gone. I know they will be fine with my parents (our go-to babysitters). I try to use the anxiety, in a way, to my advantage - do my nails a day or so before, pick out something to wear that makes me feel pretty (or beg/borrow from a friend!), etc.

StephanieinSuburbia said...

So I was going to say no, I don't have this anxiety. I was thinking maybe it's b/c my friend or family stays with Wee 'Burb and I know she loves being with them. But then I saw Jen's comment re: knowing what to say and I thought about that. I TOTALLY make lists of things to talk about! Sometimes in the car if he tells me a really big story, I'm like "dude, save it for the restaurant, you're blowing your wad early!"

So I guess the answer is yes, yes I do!

Ratz said...

My first date was more of a disaster, i did not come to know of it unless i was told about it later... which is when i realised "OMG! that was a date?", which is why i don't name dates as dates anymore. i am not sure whether it is working or not.. i don't have kids but the jitters i'd definitely get the jitters... will let you know however that happens... Enjoy your date :-)

texasmacks said...

I have that same anxiety but about traveling. Fear that we're both going to die and leave our children as orphans, fear that they'll be brats for my parents on our trip...it almost makes it no fun to go on trips! You're not alone!

blueviolet said...

I never went on date night and I regret that! It's sooooooo important!

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Yikes. I don't have that anxiety yet because it's just the hubs and me (and our zoo) but I can definitely see it happening to me once we have kids.

Amy said...

I don't so much have the date night anxiety, as I do the post date night remorse. Like, OMG we spent $40 on a sitter and another $80 on dinner and then another $50 on drinks after....

I always have fun, but then feel guilty for spending the money when money is ALWAYS tight. I guess, we just have to learn how to let the guilt go. Because in the end, I won't remember if I paid this bill or that bill on time, but I know I'll remember a romantic night out with my husband.

Ma What's 4 dinner said...

I don't have that...I have just mom time anxiety. If the kids are with the sitter I know they're fine. They love her. It's when they're with the hubs alone for any extended period of time I panic since I know he's panicked and he calls me 7000 times!

Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

I rarely have date nights. I think we have two a year so I'm more on the woo hoo side of it. As the kids get older, it gets easier for me to feel okay about leaving them for a bit. Which reminds me I really should set up a date night.

Nancy C said...

It's just challenging. Sometimes it seems like so much effort and MONEY and blah blah blah. I hear you. And yes, it's always worth it.

Mama Hen said...

You put yourself through it because you are a mommy! We will worry about our children and even on date night we worry. All I can say is try your best to do something that will relax you before datenight comes up so you are more at ease. Have a great night!

Mama Hen

DIAPERS in the DESERT said...

I think its perfectly normal. I am not sure how I would react with a sitter I didn't know. My mom always watches our daughter and lives next door. But we never have DATE DATE nights, its usually home alone together nights. Maybe its TMI but I get nervous about the after the date part. Only if its been a week. I get all shy and giggle non stop. It is wonderful that you have going out Date Nights, they are super important!!

Shell said...

Mine is more the anxiety of the babysitter canceling or one of my kids getting sick so we can't go out.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Haha, sounds like fun...but then again, I don't have a kid-I can only empathize. Sorry. Wish I could give you better advice.

Glen said...

men have that too - but it's more to do with - will there be burgers on the menu for less than £10 Is she going to expect to by a bottle of wine of the list or will the House wine be allowed, If I drive I can't drink but if she drives we probably won't get sex later ... the worry subjects may differ but the anxiety is the same

Debbie said...

We don't go out much and never have. And yes, I did get anxious. But we stayed home more because we just like it!

Babes Mami said...

I tend to stress it until we leave. I occasionally have a bought of 'is he okay?' but it usually stops. To be honest we have had a string of bad date nights, so bad that I said I didn't ever want to go again. I know I will but it won't be anytime soon.

Tina said...

i think us moms will still worry about our kids even when they are in their 30's its just built inside us. You do miss them on date nights but its great to have a break every now and again for sure!

Tina from Mummy Diaries

Kristi {at} Live and Love...Out Loud said...

I love the questions you torture yourself with! As far as sex and the leg shaving? Why bother? lol
I wish I could say that I have the same type of anxiety when I go out that you do, but the truth of the matter is I don't. In fact, I won't go anywhere without the baby. My hubby and I have yet to go on a date sans baby since she was born 18 months ago. I like to think that we both have a great deal of anxiety about the whole thing. Sounds like we've got lots to work on sometime in the near future.
I'm glad you enjoyed your date night. Thanks for stopping by the other day, Kristy. Hope you're experiencing beautiful fall weather in your neck of the woods. Have a great day.

Kristi, Live and Love...Out Loud
@TweetingMama