Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Love Those Crazy Bitches

Boy, do I love me some Real Housewives drama. I shamelessly watch every episode and hang on every unflattering verbal attack. I have blogged about it before here and here. It is amazing how grown women can act when they have way too much money and time on their hands. It is like the woman’s version of WWF – “In THIS corner, we have the crazy-eyed Ramona-coaster!"


photo from here

In THIS corner, we have the unstable and confused Kelly! Whose side are you on?!” And, yes, I do take sides. (Any side Kelly is NOT on. She’s a WHAK-A-DOO.)


photo from here

I may enjoy watching it, but I know I’ll never be eligible to actually be on one of the Real Housewives show for these 10 reasons:

1. I just eat my pizza, whole shit loads of it at a time, and drink my wine without worrying about booking one of these fat burning machines while I eat it.


photo from here


photo from here

2. My child hears the word “No.”

3. I do not have a personal budget line for Botox maintenance. I wear my age/sun spots and wrinkles proudly. I guess.

4. There is no “staff” at my house. Only these very helpful sorts.







5. If there is no “staff” at my house, I certainly do not have people coming over to do my hair and make-up so that I may go to a dinner party, fashion show, or what have you. No, I push my color jobs as far as I can so that I only have to budget for my haircut and color about every 3-4 months (to the constant chagrin of my hairdresser at the local salon).

6. I have friends that I can meet for lunch, and I am welcomed with open arms. I do not meet my friends with fear of being attacked or having my hair pulled.


photo credit here

7. When I invite someone over for dinner, I have actually cooked the food. No celebrity chef was hired to cook in my kitchen. I’m a celebrity in my own damn kitchen.



8. My house is not in foreclosure.

9. The sole purpose of my existence is not to make snarky comments at other women at parties, judge others mercilessly, nor gossip endlessly about my “friends.” It’s only a small part of my existence.


photo from here

10. I am too afraid to have video cameras around while drinking copious amounts of wine.


photo from here

I just had to do one more. For good measure.

11. I would never think that this is a good idea. (Phaedra's pregnancy portraits with The Pickle)


photo from here

For Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. Tell your Top 10 reasons you could not be a housewife of any county.

35 comments:

Jessica said...

My favorite was #9.

That pickle portrait is ridiculous.

Babes Mami said...

The pickle picture is hilarious. Why? Just why? I guess I will never be qualified for the show either!

Lisha @ DeLovely Life said...

Ew...Pickle portrait. What about the Mariah Carey one with hubbs grabbing her boobs.. ::shudder:: Poor children will probably have to see that one day. And thank goodness you're not one of those women. They're kinda sorta scary.

A Mountain Momma said...

ha, I think I need to start watching this show.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Well, I can see ten reasons right there why I'm happy to know you!

Eva Gallant said...

You've got the Crazy Eyes right! Are Ramona's eyes ever not bugging out of her head????
And then there's the one who makes her kids speak French and has the husband who looks and acts gay. I haven't seen the show in a long time, but I do admit that I watch it with fascination when I do! They are so full of themselves and materialistic! Although, I think the Real Housewives of Beveryly Hills are worse....none of them even work. I was only able to stand that show once; never went back.

Carol said...

loved the entire post !!!!

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

HILARIOUS!!! I'm addicted to these, but you are so right. There's very little "real" about the Real Housewives. I have to say my fave is Atlanta, with New Jersey a close second. Atlanta is just so OUT THERE crazy that I laugh every time. Kim is just BEYOND. And now she's procreating again so you know next year is just going to kick.some.ASS!

S. Greiner said...

I love, love, love the Real Housewives but I could not get into Miami and I hate ATL! But...I'm a fan of all the others!

Love your post :)!

SherilinR said...

those women are kook-a-doodle-doo. doesn't stop me from watching it though. the nutty kelly & danielle make me a bit batty. i kind of like that pic with the pickle. because it's gross & bizarre. way better than just a picture of people smiling together.

Losing Brownies said...

Those shows give me such anxiety!!

Katie Gates said...

Very entertaining, Kristy! I've never watched a Real Housewives show, and I'm glad I don't. (I know how those shows go -- once you start, you're committed [or should be!]) I'm more into the talent competitions, currently loving Idol. All that being said, I cannot help but alert you to something: surely you know that, in your cat's mind, YOU are the staff. (I just wanted to give you the head's up; cats have their ways of "sending memos.")

Keda said...

I boy. I would never be one either. I like the one about having friends that you don't have to fear.

MomZombie said...

Thanks to the wall of TVs at my gym, I got hooked on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I could not stop watching that crazy woman with the wig who thought she was going to be a pop star!

Kirsten said...

"I'm a celebrity in my own damn kitchen." Fricking priceless :-)

Visiting from Mama Kat's and glad I did!

Jen said...

Oh my gosh-that was hilarious!! And I love the title!

Phyllis said...

FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!!! I loved each and every reason. Although #11 kinda scarred me for life. LOL! I can just imagine the Real Housewives WWF... Ramona vs. Kelly, Jill and LuAnn vs. Alex. Hmmmm, maybe you should shop that idea to Andy Cohen!
Thanks again for the laughs, I'm glad you were part of my stops along Mama Kat's ride today!

Suniverse said...

WHAT ARE THEY DOING WITH THAT PICKLE?

Never mind.

I don't want to know.

Love your list!

Elena said...

This is awesome. I shamelessly watch it too! I'm on team anything but Kelly as well - what a whackjob! Love that pic of the "catfight" - hilarious.

Andrea said...

Pregnancy portraits with a pickle? I missed that one. Are you kidding me?

chele said...

I really enjoyed the first few seasons of Orange County ... now it's just too much for me. I do like Bethenny's spin-off.

amygrew said...

A pickle portrait?! They are all nuts!

I like #2 the best!

April said...

Is it wrong that I found the pickle portrait the most disturbing of these pics?

Cam - Bibs and Baubles said...

HIGH-lariious! What was up with Phaedra and the pickle. What were they thinking? I forgot about that madness!

Jennie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennie@ Got My Reservations said...

I haven't actually watched the show, but I loved your brave title and I really loved #2: My child hears the word “No.” Thanks for posting on Mama Kat's.

TV's Take said...

I do hate myself for watching this show but alas it's true. That pickle shot is too much and love the Danielle shot with the hair in her hand - crazy!!

Susie said...

Yeah...their "real lives" don't have anything to do with real life.

Krystyn said...

Um. The pickle? Really, that's just tacky.

I don't think there is anything "real" about that show.

Me 'N My Monkeys said...

I have never seen the show!
"I’m a celebrity in my own damn kitchen." << Love it!

Carri said...

Bitches be crazy!!! I've never seen that show, not once. Am I missing something totally awesome? Because if I am, I'm totally going to TiVo it.

Shelley said...

I am obsessed with the Real Housewives - every season from every place I can get it! Thank god for Foxtel IQ - I bank them up and watch them in marathons. Next week the reunions start for Atlanta and OC, and then I think new ones are starting from New Jersey? Also, up to episode two of Bethanny Ever After - which I love, love, love!!

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

WTF is with that pickle?!?!?!?!

Selena said...

I tried to do this one but it ended up making me sound like a ghetto bitch so I stopped.

:-)

The BabbyMama said...

Oh, good gravy! I am not a housewife of any stripe, but if I was, I'd sure handle myself with more grace than these wacky women!

THE PICKLE! HILARIOUS!