Thursday, February 2, 2012

What if God was one of us?

“You still seem so…numb.”

“Well, maybe it’s the medication, doc. I don’t really understand how I’m supposed to ‘fix’ my head when I’m taking all the shit you give out here.”

“Excellent, a little hostility. Perhaps we’re starting to feel something?”

“Isn’t it a little unproductive to use sarcasm with your patient, doctor?”

They sat there looking at each other with polite smiles.

“Listen, Kate. I’m not trying to bullshit you. I’m just saying that you’re here for a reason. Let’s not waste our time.”

“Fine, then. I’ll try to be a little more exciting. For the sake of progress.”

The doctor only gestured. Begin, her hand invited.

Kate sighed. “Well, if you can't tell, I’m a little angry. I don’t see the point in anything. I fucking trust no one, and when I’m really at my worst? I think, I should be dead, and Marisa should be here. As if it couldn’t get any worse, I remember, why would I want Marisa to suffer through any more shit? Maybe I should just join her.”

The doctor held Kate’s eyes for a moment. “I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through. I simply want you to have hope that hope exists. I don’t expect you to have that right now. I expect you to believe that others have that hope for you. That is all. And I hope it is enough.”

Kate had been ready to retort, to build one more layer of brick through the wall of anger she had created, but something about the words the doctor had chosen caused her to pause.

What was it that Marisa had always said? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Kate thought of that then.

The doctor smiled, seeing the shift on Kate’s face. “I think I’d like you to think about that for today.”


“I’ll see you tomorrow, Kate.”

“See ya, doc.”

Kate walked out into the hall toward the common area, unsure of what she wanted to do, unsure of what she felt. Then a soft melody coming from the TV pierced straight through her and unleashed a torrent of memories.

A female singer was plainly singing to the screen, soulful and pure. What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger all of us trying to make our way home.

Kate walked quickly to her room, shut the door and stood on the other side. The sobs came fast and hard. The bricks fell fast and hard. The wall she so carefully kept was crumbling all around her as she slid to the floor and gave in to the grief.


The Red Writing Hood prompt at Write on Edge this week was to write a story in which your character is inspired by music.

I have chosen to write a new scene for my book and share it here. I have written of Kate and Marisa previously here.


Eva Gallant said...

Wow! That was impressive!

Carolina said...

OMG, great story! That's one of my favorite songs...

Buckeroomama said...

I liked this. I could picture the scene unfolding as I read through. Well done! :)

Lance said...

The last paragraph is just straight awesome. I liek the realistic language and the pull no punches style. You did great.

Anonymous said...

You've so captured that moment when a song just hits you in the gut and rips right through you. Brilliant stuff. :)

Kara said...

Well written! And a great choice of song too. (But isn't it "Just a stranger on the bus"?)

Glen said...

In...grief.... nearly three years of blogging, it has become clear to me that any idiot can blog.

Anyone can say - "hey guess what my kids today?"

Within that there is anever any real obvious link between writing talent and success. Some people do well because they can write, others because they are funny, and others for no obvious reason that I can see at all. while others can write amazingly well but don't get anywhere.
While being a blogger is relatively easy, writing actual fiction - now that is hard.
Writing actual fiction well?

What you have done there is shown the difference between blogging and writing.
You are good.
Finish that book.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. What a great description of the wall falling down. Almost literally... tears and bricks and everything else. Suffering brings out the worst in us when we are inconsolable.

This is truly beautiful writing. I love that the therapy session is just dialogue, as well. It gives more power and emotion to the scene that follows.

Jen Has A Pen said...

I love the bricks falling- just like her tears. I've felt this way before. You captured this hopeless/hopeful complexity very, very well.

busana muslim said...

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Barbara @ de rebus, via Write on Edge said...

Very nicely done!

What a heart-wrenching moment and a beautiful quote: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

Can't wait to read more!

Pearl said...

:-) Impressive, Kristy. Just these few paragraphs and I can tell you that I would buy this. What a fantastic and enticing beginning...


Kir said...

the banter with her therapist was so believable and real and that song moves me too, makes me think. I am glad she slid to the ground, sometimes that is the only way to deal with the grief.

Sara said...

You had me with this line, "What was it that Marisa had always said? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." That's a great line!!

The words in the last paragraph were well done. The use of the phrase "fast and hard" made feel the wall falling.

I also liked the dialogue exchange between Kate and the doctor. The distancing by Kate in the beginning and then the "pause" as the doctor's words hit home.

One minor suggestion regarding this line, “I think I’d like you to think about that for today.”

I'd consider removing the first two words, "I think." They made me hesitate, because "think" was repeated: "I think I'd like you to think..."

It reads fine without those words. I know this is being picky. Just remember; it's only a suggestion and it would save two words:~)

The story was well done and a good use of the prompt. Thanks for sharing this one.

Jackie said...

I think that I need to go back and read some more. I really liked it!

I assume that she is in some sort of hospital? Or is all that info in other stories?

lexy said...

great - you can really get a sense of the pain she's bottling up inside, and covering with sharp remarks.

Carrie said...

I love the dynamic you built between the doctor and Kate. It's not your typical relationship which makes me curious about their backstory. How did she end up in this facility?

I'll be clicking back to find more

Babes Mami said...

More, more, more!

busana muslim said...

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Katie Gates said...

Wow, Kristy, this is fantastic. I want to read what came before and what comes after!

jazzygal said...

Wow....LOVE it! I think I will love your book too!

xx Jazzy

Natalie said...

I am so ready to read more!

Nancy C said...

I'm with everybody else. The dialogue just sung...realistic, witty, edgy, and spot-on.

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