Thursday, August 19, 2010
What is it about having a child that really drives home the Murphy’s Law experience?
You know what I’m talking about.
JUST as your child is finally drifting off to sleep for a nap, the neighbor dog’s shrill bark cuts through the air right to your nervous system. (I’m still accepting offers for anyone experienced in assassination for that dog, by the way.)
JUST when you finally have the motivation to exercise and lose that baby weight, you start to get sick.
You use all your sick days because you are home with a sick child, and then you get sick when your days at work are all used up.
The only thing your child will eat for lunch is macaroni and cheese (or else you must endure THE FIT), and guess what you just ran out of?
These are just a few examples.
Let me tell you a story about last night.
It has been busy times around here. The last few nights, my husband has been getting home late for various reasons, so it has felt especially busy. After dinner last night, my husband took the maniac outside to run around.
I felt no guilt as I decided to take an opportunity to watch a little TV off my neglected Tivo list. I had been wanting to see the last 45 freakin’ minutes of Bachelor Pad for three days. It was finally my chance! I was a few minutes into it when…
(You know what’s coming, right?)
Screaming, hell, and tarnation. In an instant.
My hub is banging at the backdoor, yelling at me to open it with a hysterical Parker in his arms.
Panic mode: ON.
The poor bub was ATTACKED by a Yellow Jacket! Wasp Fucker.
He had done nothing to provoke it either! He was doing his thing, mowing the lawn with his bubble mower – a job he finds great satisfaction in. We were unaware that a wasp hive had taken residence in our garden. My husband thinks the bubbles must have pissed off the idiot-rage-filled wasps.
Of course, Parker was in a lot of pain, but there was no dangerous, life-threatening reaction occurring, so we gave him ibuprofen and tried to soothe him as best as possible.
Richard looked up information on the Internet and found that Yellow Jackets become particularly aggressive and can attack with no provocation in the late summer. I know, what the?! Well, anyways, there goes the whole “stand still and they’ll leave you alone” theory. I always knew that was bullshit. If I see a wasp or a bee, I scream and run and jump, and I have never been stung dammit. It is, apparently, an effective way to handle these things and not “silly” like my husband previously tried to convince me.
The moral of this story is: fuck wasps.
Maybe tonight I can watch five more minutes of Bachelor Pad?? Or, maybe that is hoping for too much.