Thursday, April 1, 2010

"For the Average, Servantless Woman"


My husband just had a good laugh at me because I just said (in a growly voice), “We need to hire some staff around here.” I’m having a Walter Mitty moment, dreaming away, and I’m taking another sip of wine.

Nothing wrong with dreaming right? Even if it is completely and utterly unrealistic.

I imagine a housekeeper cleaning away the pen ink scribbles on the couch, cracker crumbs on the floor, and mysterious dried food bits all around the kitchen area. Actually, I take that back. They are not “mysterious” dried food bits. It is macaroni and cheese bits. Hopefully, the housekeeper could also take care of our cat because even though a cat is one of the easiest pets to take care of, apparently, it is just too much of a task for this family. Days can go by before someone checks the cat food bowl in the laundry room and discover that the cat has had no food for God knows how long.

We also need a chef. Not only would this be handy because I’m too tired to cook dinner, but they could whip up stuff that is delicious and nutritious. This person would be in charge of making those dishes I hear about that keep you full and satisfied for longer with less calories. And, they would work their magic to make it still look and taste like yummy, trashy food. Let’s admit it please. Nothing is better than yummy, trashy, horrible-for-you food.

Then, as long as there is both a housekeeper and chef, then we might as well have some other people around. You know, a STAFF! A personal trainer might be a good idea, however, they would probably piss me off more than they would convince me to work out. Money would be better spent to hire someone to finish off the next door neighbor’s dog.

Notice that nowhere does it state I would like a nanny. Nah, not for me. That person would probably piss me off too. Besides, me and Parker, we’re like peas and carrots. I do think that if I were suddenly struck rich and able to quit my job, I would still have him attend daycare just a couple days a week because the scrappy experience of dealing with other kids is good for him (must guard against weird-only-child syndrome).

Alas, it is time to stop dreaming. (“Time to make the donuts.”) Time to make the hamburger helper, throw in a load of laundry, and continue to devise surly plans of death (without ever being discovered) for the neighbor’s dog. There is no money for hired assassins right now. There is no money for a house big enough for staff. There is no money for a staff. But thanks for humoring me. Some time in the clouds is fun.

16 comments:

Oddyoddyo13 said...

The cooking I can handle, but the cleaning is the bane of my existence. I'm with you on this one.

MommieDaze said...

I always tell my husband someday where we're rich I'm going to hire a maid, and send the laundry out. I hate cleaning, and I hate doing laundry. Do you think the maid would put the laundry away when it came back from the cleaners? I don't like putting it away either.

Lucy said...

I have been know to mutter similar things. Regularly. But you know what "staff" I really really need most of all? A wife. I want a wife that will do all the stuff that I do for everyone else, and I want that wife to do everything for me.

WarsawMommy said...

Yeah. I dream about this. DAILY.

Nichol said...

I wouldn't like a housekeeper...I'm sure they would do something the wrong way. I dream of someone to let me sleep...sleep in for a few hours that would be nice. We all have our dreams:) I'm a new follower to your blog!

Cheryl said...

I want someone to follow me around and just pick up everything. When I put a dish down I want them to scoop it up, rinse it and stick it in the dishwasher. They will run the dishwasher and, of course, put away the clean stuff. In the meantime, they will be cleaning up the rest of the mess I make. Oh yeah - I guess I would also need one for each of my three kids, and, of course, the biggest one of all, my husband!

Over from SITS!

Theta Mom said...

When you get the hired help, send them my way! lol

Thanks so much for visiting Theta Mom - New follower! ;)

AmericanTribal said...

Oh, I would *love* to hire some staff for our house. It would be absolutely hilarious, because our house could probably fit into most people's basements... but it would still be fun. Crowded, but fun.
Also, I know a guy... you know, for your neighbor's dog?... Just sayin'.
Just kidding :P
Have a great weekend, and Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

WhisperingWriter said...

I'd love some staff. And a nanny.

On really hard days I just tell my husband if he wants clean undies, he can do his own laundry.

kathryn said...

This was EXCELLENT! I think we all wear WAY too many hats...they're bound to get mixed up. That's why you sometimes find toothpaste in the refrigerator. Were we cleaning? Getting ready for work? Possibly doing both at the same time? Did we do it at all?? We may never know...(I'm sooo confused...)

Kristi {at} Live and Love...Out Loud said...

This is my first blog visit of the day. I'm so glad I popped in on you first! Nothing beats day dreaming about housekeepers and chefs. I'd love to have a staff of my own, especially a chef that makes "yummy, trashy, horrible-for-you food". Like you, I'd definitely skip the nanny. No need for one here, even if I do have four kids who tend to drive me bananas. :)
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I've enjoyed my visit here with you. What a fun post! By the way,

Kristi {at} Live and Love...Out Loud said...

Whoops, I didn't finish my comment. I'm sorry. One of my crazy children distracted me and I hit "post comment". lol
I was just going to say...Have a great day. :)

Kristi, Live and Love...Out Loud
@TweetingMama

My Mercurial Nature said...

I would love some staff! A maid, a chef, someone to do errands (grocery shopping!). Found you through POM!!

citymouse said...

I feel your pain!! I'd be happy with someone who would come and do the floors and bathrooms... I swear that's all I want. Oh well.

Cranky Mommy said...

My husband and I were sharing one of those dream life moments once and he listed out "nanny." "No way," I said, "if we have housekeepers and gardeners, I'm going to spend SO much time with the kids - time with the kids is what I really want" He didn't get it. I figure that if I spend the housework/errands time with the kids then the free time I do get won't be interrupted so much and won't be spent in a state of near coma because I'm so freakin' tired. HAHA! And maybe then I could get more than 5-10 minutes of it at a time, too!

Anonymous said...

hi!!!