Thursday, July 28, 2011

On Grace, and Survival

I must get my son to daycare. I must drop paperwork at the preschool. I must get to my dentist appointment. Running, running, running.

But, every time I get in the car, every time I am still, the tears come. I want to sob. But I cannot. The tears stream down. I will be at the dentist soon, making stupid ass small talk with a hygienist about how often I floss.

I drive to the grocery store. I am in a rush. Of course the dentist appointment took too long. We need milk. We need food. My husband says we are out of everything. By the time I get home from the grocery store, it will be past dinner time, and my three year old will be hungry.

I cry on the way to the grocery store. The car is where this is allowed.

The cashier, the boy who rings me up asks, "How is your day, ma'am?"

I pause. I look at him. Why is he asking me this? "I've seen better."

"Me too," he says.

"I'm usually not like that, but it's just kind of the way it is today," I explain, always having to apologize for my truth.

My heart is breaking for you, my friend.

You just left me. We had a beautiful time. Our boys played together. We connected in our old, sisterly way.

You just left me. You were supposed to go home.

I do not know why there is evil in this world, or why it hurts those who do not ever seem to deserve it.

I do not know why people are mean. We are not supposed to know why they are mean. That is their own demon, their own evil, and of course we do not understand it.

Girlie, I love you more than you love yourself I think.

I am trying to think of the words that can take some of the pain away, and I feel I am failing.

Sometimes, when you do not believe in yourself, it is enough to know that there are so many who believe in you. And someday, a small smile will grace your lips because you will finally feel it in yourself, and you will know that it has been there all along.

26 comments:

Trianna said...

Kristy,

I'm so sorry for whatever you are going through. Even if you have to go in the car and cry your heart out later on today, maybe you should do that. It might make you feel better than keeping it in.

I won't say be strong and it will be ok. Because I don't know if it will and right now you may need someone else to be strong. So you cry, if you have to. The bathroom, laundry room and shower are good places, too.

xoxo

Eva Gallant said...

I hope the sadness you are feeling leaves you soon. I'm so sorry for your loss.

deborah-bryan.com said...

I am so sorry. I wish you the loving comfort of friends in the days to come. It's a small comfort, but sometimes that's all there is.

And, oh, how this resonates with me. In the couple of months following my mom's death, my car was the only place I felt free to cry and just mourn as I so desperately needed. I spent two hours a day bawling, in the hopes those two hours would help me keep dry eyes through the remainder of the day.

I'm so sorry for this sadness, your own and that of the friend you mention. I wish there were anything more I could say than these simple words, but they are all I have.

I am so sorry.

Tammy said...

Sending you love, prayers and hugs! Sorry to see you hurting!

Theresa said...

Oh honey, you sound so sad. Crying in the car is good, in the arms of someone who loves you is good too.
xoxoxo

Kristy said...

Thank you all for the comforting words. I am sad for my friend. I am going to be ok. My heart breaks for her. I want her, my dear friend, to be ok.

Clipped Wings said...

I just don't know what to say, except that I am so very sorry. Take care.

Kim @ Mamas Monologues said...

I'm so very sorry that you're going through this now. My thoughts are with you.

Gombojav Tribe said...

I don't know what you are going through, but I know what it feels like.

I don't know you, but I just said a little prayer for you.

(Thanks for visiting my blog this morning.)

Mommy Nani Booboo said...

I am sending you so much love.
And I hope that more and more often... you don't feel the need to apologize for your truth.

StephanieinSuburbia said...

Oh, I don't know all of what you are going through. It's so hard to get through our days and put a brave face when we are out in the world. It's exhausting and really only exacerbates the hurt. I hope you feel better soon.

angela said...

I don't know the details of what you are going through, but I am sending you positive thoughts and hope that your friend finds some peace soon.

Your pain resonates through this post, but so does your sincere love for her. She is lucky to have you!

Date Girl said...

so sorry to read that you're sad, and sorry for your friend and whatever she is going through. I've been there, with the crying in the car, and having to pull yourself together in public. It isn't easy. I hope you can find some comfort from your loved ones.

Annette said...

Kristy, Much love and prayers are going out to both you and your friend. It sounds like you've had a wonderful friendship, and I hope no matter what she's going through, you can get it back and more! XOXO

Amy said...

So, so sorry for your loss Kristy. You're in my thoughts.

championm2000 said...

(((hugs)))

Kristi said...

This post resonated with me today...and touched my heart. My link-up this week is also about grieving for a friend...bearing their pain...walking the journey with them no matter how heartbreaking.
I really felt your honesty and pain in this. Thank you for being authentic. You sound like a wonderful friend.
Stopping by from TRDC

Sunny & Star said...

I am so sorry that you are sad and hurting. I hope that the pain gets better soon. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

jazzygal said...

So sorry to read how sad you are .... and for your your friend (and family) too.

((xx)) Jazzy

Mrs. Tuna said...

Tough to be unable to help those you love. Sending good thoughts your way.

May said...

I am saying a prayer for peace for you and for your friend. The power of your sadness is so strong in this post. I hope your tears were the kind that brought you some relief and that the coming days bring a turn for the better.

Tenille @ Help!Mum said...

It's hard to see people you love in pain. It's horrible actually. I hope your friend is doing OK.

I hope you're doing OK too :-)

TV's Take said...

Your situation sounds incredibly painful. Hoping peace find it's way to you

Katie Gates said...

Beautiful post. I hope your grief has lifted.

MomZombie said...

I love this post and I'm sorry for your deep sadness. What I love is how you point out that life just goes on: we run out of food, teeth need cleaning, paperwork needs processing, the sun rises and sets, and we just keep going in the face of what seems like something that should draw everything to a sudden stop. It should just stop and recognize a hurt or a loss and give us some time to breathe and process. But, it does not. So we go on and this is the stuff that makes us stronger. Hoping you find peace.

(Florida) Girl said...

It is always so hard to watch our loved ones suffer. Sending some positive energy your way.