I Have Moved!

I am no longer writing new content for Pampers and Pinot (obviously).  Never you fear!  You can now find me at my new blog, Love and Blasphemy.

Look at it.

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You Never Know What Can Happen

Entering into another summer, Pampers and Pinot will be on hiatus this time around.  You see, I am supposed to be writing myself out of a job, people, and it just hasn't been happening while I work, blog, mother, clean, cook, drink wine, and generally save the universe.

I am going to have to try and give myself a blogging break to see what kind of momentous things can happen.

Like this.


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Or, this.

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You never know what can happen.

I do so love the blogging experience, and I know I'm really good at helping you all laugh along the way, so I'm sure I will be back, perhaps when the leaves start to fall...

Sin City Knows My Name

I may or may not be involved in some of this the next few days:

I may or may not tell you about it when I return.

Wine, Cheesecake, and a Good, Clean Man

Questions:

1. Right now I could really eat _________?

There is nothing I want to eat. I just finished dinner. I would like another glass of wine.

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2. Full length pants or capri's?

Full length pants. Capris are totally over-rated.

3. The best smelling men's cologne (women's perfume for the guys playing) is ________?

Just good, clean soap and shaving cream scent is good for me.

4. What is your favorite kind of Cheesecake?

I'm not a sweet tooth kind of gal, but, cheesecake? Mmmm. I like it cuz it's not too sweet. And, with red wine? Fahgetaboutit. Some plain cheescake with red wine sounds good. If it had topping on it, I'd probably scrape it off, and I would NOT want chocolate cheesecake. Too much.

5. What TV Show do you currently never miss?

Real Housewives of Orange County. Love those crazy bitches of Bravo.

Good Friends Have Good Dirt

One of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompts this week is to have a friend write a post on my blog about me. I chose to do an interview with one of my best friends, Amy, and share it here. (Similar to the interview I once did with my mom, and it is scary how similar some of their answers were!)



Amy and I have worked together for 8 years - all the years I have lived in Colorado. We have been at two schools together and have seen five bosses come and go. We have grown closer and closer over the years, and I couldn't even imagine what I would do without her. It would be a sad, dark, lonely world without her by my side!

Amy and Me, pre-kids, 2005 (I have done my own version of "photoshop" on the creep that wouldn't leave us alone that night.)

Me: What do you think my readers would be surprised to learn about me?

Amy: I think you’ve dished it all! Anything else that they don’t know, I have to take to the grave.

Me: Yes, that is true! (Inside I’m thinking, She just passed the good friend test.) Anything about my personality that would be surprising to my readers?

Amy: How highly perfectionistic you are.

Me: Yes!

Amy: If things don’t go how they’re supposed to go or how you are expecting them to go, you get completely thrown off kilter.

Me: *Sigh* I know. ‘Tis true. (She knows me so well! EVERYTHING is supposed to go the way I want it to, dammit.)

Amy: And, as sassy as you can be, I think your readers would be surprised to see you in action at work. You can be so professional, and you know when you have to rein in your sass. But, it is funny, I can almost hear your thoughts as professional words are coming out of your mouth!

Me: What do you think is the most shocking thing I’ve done at work?

Amy: When you told our old boss to stop acting like our mother and to treat us like the professionals we are.

Me: Yes, a proud moment. That was a long time ago. I better step up my game. What is the most shocking thing I’ve done outside of work?

Amy: I was totally shocked when you threw up in my car...and in a cab...and on my front porch. I can’t wait to see what’s next!

Me: Those were not proud moments. I’m sorry. Whatever. Better keep the hose ready. Has anything shocked you that I have shared on my blog?

Amy: Nothing shocking to me, but I was surprised that you ended up sharing excerpts from your novel because you have been so secretive about it.

Me: I already know what you would say is my most memorable post.

Amy: Yes, the most memorable one was your airport story with Parker. I can just SEE it happening just how you wrote it.

Me: What makes you laugh about me?

Amy: HA! Where do I begin?! Your expressions – the way you say things. It’s just amusing, even when you don’t intend to be. You are very expressive. You have a lack of filter – when you are comfortable – you can be so candid and tell it like it is.

Me: Why are we good friends?

Amy: Well, we’ve gone through hell and back together at work! We also became mothers together and experienced hard things with our children together. Now, we are trying to get our lives back together now that our children are growing! We have had similar life paths.

Me: How are we different?

Amy: You are more of a risk-taker than I am. I have it in me, but you bring it out in me. I like to have fun, but you tend to leap first, and then I follow!

Me: After all that, please share some nice things about me.

Amy: You have been a phenomenal support system to me in some very trying times. You always try to be a peace-keeper and make everyone happy. You always think of others before yourself. You paid to clean the car you threw up in.

I Always Knew There was Something Wrong with People who Hate Cats

On Bethenny Ever After, Bethenny said, "Humor trumps professionalism."

I totally agree.

I have been known to play jokes at work. It is just too much fun. For me.

You would never guess I'm such a menace.

But I am. There is a glimmer in the eye, you see?



Years ago, I decided to play a joke on a previous supervisor on MY birthday. I had heard whispers that people were planning to prank me for my birthday. So, I thought, I'll strike first! Bwa, ha, ha!

Anyone who knows me should know that this is a compliment if I will spend time to play a joke on you. I thought my old boss knew that.

He was quite the family guy with pictures all over his office of his gorgeous little ones - twins! - and his wife.

He hated cats.

On his birthday, I waited around until he was gone to break into his office.

I had printed some really, really great pictures of cats off the Internet with a color printer. Pictures like these:


























I am not a total menace. I CAREFULLY removed his family pictures - every last one - out of the frames and CAREFULLY placed them in a ziploc bag and CAREFULLY placed the bag in my desk.

Then, I put the cat pictures in all of his frames around his office.

I came into work the next morning, giddy, excited for the absurd hilarity to cause loud laughing and guffaws from everyone, including my boss.

The front secretary was near tears. "Kristy, he's looking for you. He is so upset. I didn't even want him to know that I knew about it!"

"What?! Are you kidding me?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No! He's pissed!"

I was incredulous, and I felt bad that I had involved our poor, dear secretary in the heinous act.

I went to my office, still not believing anything had gone wrong. Who wouldn't think that filling a cat-hater's picture frames with ridiculous pictures of cats wasn't funny?!

He was there to talk to me. He shut the door.

He explained how precious his family pictures were to him. "Of course I know that! Look!" I exclaimed as I got out the CAREFULLY saved pictures and explained just how careful I had been. It didn't help.

He said he felt that someone was intending to be a menace to him. Someone was "threatening him." Giving him the what-for, if you will.

To that, I exclaimed, "No, no, no! Don't you think it's funny that I put CATS in your picture frames? You hate cats! Ha, ha..." I trailed off, as he was not softening and did not laugh along.

Wow, the dude was TOTALLY serious.

In spite of myself, I went on, "Don't you realize what today is?"

He looked at me blankly.

"It's my birthday!" I said.

He looked at me blankly.

"I thought you guys were planning to prank me on my birthday, and I thought I would do this before you had a chance to do anything to me! That's all!" I said.

He seemed to soften his demeanor at that a little. I apologized profusely. He managed to say, "It's ok." I CAREFULLY replaced the pictures.

But I kept the pictures of the cats. I'd take them out every once in a while and have a good fucking laugh.

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This week's RemembeRED memoir prompt at Write on Edge was to recall a prank that did not have the results you intended.



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To my bloggy friends who noticed my absence as of late, I was on Spring Break. But, I'm back. And doing the best I can.

Peep Show

Here is the next "peep show" at my novel. I'm getting ready to link up with Write on Edge and their Red Writing Hood prompt tomorrow:

Dante, via Write on Edge

Kate was wary of a couple of the dancers. She was wary of Brandy. She was nice to her because she gave her crystal here and there. Kate and Marisa preferred coke but would take crystal when coke wasn’t around. Brandy was intense. She was young and cute, but there was an edge to her, like she was moments away from snapping. She was hyper. She was sweaty. If she would take another shower, reapply her make-up, and calm down a little, she’d be a whole hell of a lot sexier, Kate would think. Brandy did well with tips because she was athletic and could do all kinds of tricks and spins with the pole.

The look in Brandy’s eyes scared Kate. Empty and desperate. Brandy would openly stare at other dancers, the Amazons. You could just tell that she was jealous. Or something. It made Kate wonder what was going through Brandy’s head.

Kate was adamant that she not become like Brandy. Kate knew that she was no saint. She took any drug that came her way, but she still felt like she had things in control. She felt like she didn’t look like she did any drug that came her way. But, Brandy made Kate wonder. What kind of line was there to be crossed? How many more drugs before I look like her? How many more months in this place? Then Kate would reassure herself. I do not look like Brandy. I will not look like Brandy. Everything is fine.

Marisa liked to tell herself the same thing.

Marisa, who could not be found sometimes, and then would show up. I’m fine! I’m fucking fine. Let’s do this.

Marisa would saunter off in heels that looked as if the point could cut glass, and she would kill it. She would get on stage and move like the world was in her hands. Like she could squeeze the money from any sucker off the street. Then, darkly, through her hair, she would look around a room full of desire and need, and all she could see was darkness.

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If you'd like to read more on Kate and Marisa:

Who Do You Think You Are?

What if God was One of Us?

A Night With No Limits