Suburban Hell

Won't you be my neighbor?

I don’t understand a neighborhood where no one interacts.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. I grew up in Phoenix. People hardly saw each other unless they were running to their mailbox in order to avoid the penetrating sun.

I lived in Iowa for six years as an adult. People were all about having fun and making connections. Bonfires, BBQ’s, getting together – it was all part of a daily life.

Part of our family in Iowa moved to The City. They lived in a neighborhood where people “got together,” had fun, talked, interacted, etc. They visited each other’s houses. Their children played together.

We moved to a neighborhood in Colorado Springs, hoping we would find fun neighbors to share time with – without having to drive…anywhere.

This has not happened.

We live in a neighborhood. No one interacts. There are children. And only suspicious glances. I don’t understand it.

Fuck them. We hate you too.

I wish we could all just get along, really.

Oh, well.

We’re moving to the mountains.

Wishful Thinking

I want many things right now.

I want my goal weight right now.

I want to see my best friends right now.

I want my grandma back.

I want to know right now whether or not it will snow enough tonight for a snow cancellation tomorrow. Then I will know if I need to prepare my lunch for tomorrow right now.

I want to have a creative burst of energy and write many glorious pages for my novel right now.

I want enough time during nap right now to do everything I want to do, plus lay around and enjoy a movie.

I want it to be spring break right now.

I want someone to pack this house and prepare for moving for me.

I want to watch more Real Housewives of Beverly Hills right now, but there are no new episodes.

I want the greatest profit out of absolutely everything with the least amount of effort required.

I want to somehow feel better after this brain dump.

I want silence and time.

I have that right now. It is mine.

Tuesday Tirade

Babes Rockin Mami does a Tuesday Tirade, and I think I’ll join her.

One of my favorite sayings is, “Never underestimate the power of stupidity in a large group of people.” It’s like, when a big, huge group gets together, sometimes individual brains are forgotten and one giant stupid brain takes over.

Take, for example, Daylight “Savings” time.

There are so many things wrong with this unnecessary event that we willingly allow to royally fuck up our systems. Many people seem to agree with me. Many people want to jump off the crazy train called, “Hey! Let’s all change our clocks an hour and see what happens!” Unless, these people just nod their head in agreement at me, wondering when I’ll stop complaining.

If so many people have suggested that this event be eliminated, if Arizona and Hawaii have the wherewithal to JUST NOT PARTICIPATE, then why do we keep doing it?

Here are some things I’d like to point out about Daylight Savings Time that particularly irk me:

-In the Fall, there is no “savings” on the daylight. We get home at 4:00 pm and it starts getting dark. Yet, whoopity-do, it is light at 5:00 am. Gee, thank god for that.

-You might as well go bang your head against a wall if you want to hear over and over for weeks on end in the Spring how tired everyone is because of their lost hour of sleep.

-I have come to terms with the fact that my toddler son will now wake up on the weekend at 7:00 instead of a more lovely 8:00 – whatever. But, it is really annoying to deal with all the grumpiness and downright evil that can come from my son when he is so hungry and doesn’t understand why we are not eating dinner at 4:45 pm. Last night, I tried to give him a snack, to no avail. He sat at the dinner table and demanded that it is dinner time. It was 4:15.

-All babies, toddlers, and children’s bodies do not know what the hell is going on. If you are a parent or work with children in any way, this is Very Annoying. For everyone involved.

-My snacking increases as I squirrel away like a hibernating bear in the dark early evening, waiting for dinner time to come.

-Once we are all adjusted and have left the hell of Daylight Savings Time behind us, we will do it all over again in the Spring, but, wait, that one is EVEN WORSE. We all lose an hour. You know, in the interest of Daylight “SAVINGS.”

How is that smart? For what REAL purpose does this serve? If there is a real purpose (I have done research, people. Trust me, there is no real purpose), then is all of this worth it? Why do we let it continue on? What kind of legislation needs to be started? For crying out loud…

You Can Call Me Chicken

It is a little scary to realize that more than once a day, I have this thought:

“I am a chicken with my head cut off!”

I am running around like a crazy person. I thought the word “maniac” applied mostly to my son, but I was sorely mistaken. It applies to me as well.

I don’t mean to complain, but, well, I am.

Too many days have strung together in which I hardly feel I catch my breath. (And, if that’s the case, then dammit, why am I not losing weight??)

When I get to feeling this way, I notice that there is also a progressive decline in my language expression abilities.

First, I say a lot of, “For crying out loud!”

Then, it turns into metaphor-speak. “I am a chicken with my head cut off!” and “I can barely keep my head above water!”

Then, I start speaking in broken sentences. “Where’s my…Oh, let me tell you…I don’t remember what I…Oh, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD…I am a chicken with my head cut off!”

Finally, it just all turns into cussing.

Believe me, the people who are close to me in daily life can hear me right now because this is exactly what I do.

I am past the point of, “Agh, Kristy, just have a glass of wine and maybe get some exercise.” (er, just not in that order.)

I am simply in need of REST. And sleep. And a little more room on my calendar. But, I honestly don’t see this happening any time real soon. So I just keep going. And going.

Like a chicken. With my head cut off.

Don’t you ever just want to scream, Shut the Fawk Up!?

Warning: Here is a surly moment from my airplane ride on Sunday.

My anxiety is riding high. I can tell by the increase in my sound sensitivity. All the people around me are fuckers. This is just how I feel.

I used to wonder at my sound sensitivities. Why do I go through moments when noises get the best of me? It turns my brain into scrambled eggs and soon I’m fantasizing about violence, or in the least, making very rude remarks. Like, “When you pop your gum like that, you are really UGLY.” Or, “Nobody likes loud page-turning magazine fuckers.” Or, “What kind of asshole thinks we all want to hear you chew ice?”

A therapist years ago (Yes, I’m sure it helps you feel better knowing that I have been “therapized.”) keyed me in on the fact that these are indicators that my anxiety is running high. No, I am not turning into a rage-filled lunatic ready to take everyone out. I’m just feeling anxious is all. On edge. Uncertain. NOT IN CONTROL of everything.

And when that happens, I get all ballistic about people that CHAT a little too loud or have the audacity to chew. For crying out loud. I have, sadly, even snapped at my mom before about banging on the computer keys too loud. She was so sweet. She said, “But, Kristy, they’re broken. I’m sorry. I’m trying to be quiet.”

The next day, I discovered that our keyboard had been attacked by a one-year old maniac, and the keys were, indeed, very hard to push, and I felt so bad that I had said anything to my mom.

Ugh. Anxiety. Waiting. Wondering. Hoping. Hearing all these INVASIVE shit noises around me. This too shall pass.

Tag! I'm It! (Grumpy Meme)

I was tagged in a meme by the lovely and always fascinating Kristin at Wanderlust. She is a talented writer. If you haven’t checked her out already, you should do so!

I have been charged to list 7 things that annoy me, bother me, piss me off, make me grumpy, IRRITATE me (said with a growl). You get the idea.

I have no problem doing this. Sadly, I am a person with many pet peeves. Recently, I wrote a list in a post, “I’d Rather Put a Cigarette Out in my Eye Than…” Go ahead, check that out too. But, people, I was not done. There are other things to list, and here they are. (By the way, I complain about these things so ferociously that my closest family and friends could probably write the list for me.)

1. Gum popping. Gum poppers and aggressive chewers, stop already!! What are you, cows? Chewing your cud? Loud gum chewing and popping is ugly and should be banned world wide.

2. Chewing ice. When people chew ice, it is so loud that an entire room that seats 100 f-ing people can hear it. People turn around and look and stare and FIND the person that is doing it. Doesn’t that alone make this person stop?? Oh, no! The ice-chewer ENJOYS making others miserable. Or, at least, this is what I think.

3. Loud smacking of the mouth for any reason. It is uncalled for.

(Are you sensing a pattern here? I know. I am crazy. And extremely sensitive to oral noise issues, but you asked for it.)

4. Solicitors. Do not come to my house. Do not ring on my doorbell. Do not ask me any questions. I am home. I am done. I hate you.

5. Chirpy, happy birds before 8:00 am or any other time they seem to be piping up a little too much. PETA lovers beware: I visualize shooting birds with a gun when they chirp and wake me up. I sleep with ear plugs. (I know! I’m crazy! I have sound problems.) Every bird I hear through the ear plugs should die.

6. Sparky must die too. You may be surprised to hear that I have never been truly annoyed by any other neighbor dog, EXCEPT for Sparky. He is the lowest life form I have ever encountered and he must be destroyed. I do believe I could get a petition around this neighborhood for him to be exterminated. I bet the mail lady would sign it as well (she has the scars to justify it).

I only get one more?! Hmmmm. Which one should I choose?

7. If I am tired, that is it. I cannot fake or act nice, chit-chat, or pretend to care. If I am tired, you know I am tired, and I am done. Sleep is very important to me and anything that gets in the way is a problem.

I’m sorry if this sounds so negative, but WOW! I really liked getting it out. It was fun for me!

If Attitudes Were Contagious, Mine Could Kill You

Ok, people. Watch out. I am feeling surly. I apologize ahead of time. There is a lot on my mind, and I cannot pull a positive, witty anecdote out of my ass. Instead, I’d like to try something called, “I’d rather put a cigarette out in my eye than. . .” Get the idea? Ok, here goes.

I’D RATHER PUT A CIGARETTE OUT IN MY EYE THAN:

-Listen to whining – from my child, any child, all adults, and basically any living thing in the vicinity

-Beat a dead horse. And then listen to people beat a dead horse. And then wonder why people beat dead horses. And then read a memo about people beating dead horses.

-Listen to words that do not match that person’s actions.

-Participate in any activity that sucks the life force energy out of me and takes away from my livelihood and time away from my family.

-Observe grown adults obtaining great pleasure in spreading hurtful gossip.

-Eat a low fat string cheese for 1 fucking point rather than scarfing an entire box of Cheddar Jack Cheezits.

Ok, I am done. Some of that may not make sense, but I had to get it out, and boy do I already feel better.

I am sitting here on my couch in my comfy home. My boy and my cat are sitting near. The little maniac’s eyes are glazed over, eating a snack, and watching some awful Buzz Lightyear cartoon. We are content in our quiet side-by-side. All is well. I am going to go and cuddle him if he’ll allow it and enjoy what matters most in life.

Have a good evening.