Reality TV for Writers?

Because I love reality TV, because I love and respect the creativity of the designers on Project Runway (or, Project Wunway, as my husband likes to call it in his best Heidi Klum voice), and because my own creative forte is writing, I had an idea the other night.

A writing competition reality show! Now, there's a reality show I would sign up for.

But, just as my blood started pumping thinking of the CHALLENGE of it, the possible REWARD of it, the FUN of it, I think, It just would not be good TV. Dammit.

Imagine, the writers have been given their weekly challenge - Write a short story never using the word THERE! Or, write a poem consisting only of foul curse words!

Then, for days, all the cameras would capture are expressions.




And sighing.

And staring off into space.

Moments of furious typing.

Heads on tables.

And, this could be as exciting as it gets.

At least this is what could be observed when I am doing "serious" writing.

It's just not good TV, but I can dream.

I Love Those Crazy Bitches

Boy, do I love me some Real Housewives drama. I shamelessly watch every episode and hang on every unflattering verbal attack. I have blogged about it before here and here. It is amazing how grown women can act when they have way too much money and time on their hands. It is like the woman’s version of WWF – “In THIS corner, we have the crazy-eyed Ramona-coaster!"

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In THIS corner, we have the unstable and confused Kelly! Whose side are you on?!” And, yes, I do take sides. (Any side Kelly is NOT on. She’s a WHAK-A-DOO.)

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I may enjoy watching it, but I know I’ll never be eligible to actually be on one of the Real Housewives show for these 10 reasons:

1. I just eat my pizza, whole shit loads of it at a time, and drink my wine without worrying about booking one of these fat burning machines while I eat it.

photo from here

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2. My child hears the word “No.”

3. I do not have a personal budget line for Botox maintenance. I wear my age/sun spots and wrinkles proudly. I guess.

4. There is no “staff” at my house. Only these very helpful sorts.







5. If there is no “staff” at my house, I certainly do not have people coming over to do my hair and make-up so that I may go to a dinner party, fashion show, or what have you. No, I push my color jobs as far as I can so that I only have to budget for my haircut and color about every 3-4 months (to the constant chagrin of my hairdresser at the local salon).

6. I have friends that I can meet for lunch, and I am welcomed with open arms. I do not meet my friends with fear of being attacked or having my hair pulled.

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7. When I invite someone over for dinner, I have actually cooked the food. No celebrity chef was hired to cook in my kitchen. I’m a celebrity in my own damn kitchen.



8. My house is not in foreclosure.

9. The sole purpose of my existence is not to make snarky comments at other women at parties, judge others mercilessly, nor gossip endlessly about my “friends.” It’s only a small part of my existence.

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10. I am too afraid to have video cameras around while drinking copious amounts of wine.

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I just had to do one more. For good measure.

11. I would never think that this is a good idea. (Phaedra's pregnancy portraits with The Pickle)

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For Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. Tell your Top 10 reasons you could not be a housewife of any county.

Smut and Filth

You know on Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail when the old “woman” shouts, “Oh, look! There’s some nice filth over here!”

Well, I am like the other old “woman,” who runs over to get a good look at the nice filth.

Imagine how tickled I was to have discovered a new show on Showtime, Gigolos.

photo from here

Among my trashy reality TV viewing, I am also a big fan of the controversial-type shows on Showtime. I also love Oprah, but I do not share her moral need for responsible TV viewing. I say, “Bring on the filth.”

Gigolos. Wow. I cannot tell you how much fun it is to watch these guys whore themselves out to women willing to pay for sex AND BE FILMED WHILE DOING IT! (It is a “REALITY” show! Jackpot!)

I have not pondered male prostitution much before. I still don’t know quite what I think of it. But, boy, do I enjoy watching it.

One woman has fantasies of being a dominatrix. She paid a man to wear something called a “cock cage” for 3 days. It prevented him from ever getting hard. It was painful and uncomfortable. All the other gigolos wanted to take a look at it. When the episode ended, the gigolo said, “Sometimes when people say, ‘It’s been a pleasure,’ it’s really only been a pleasure for one person.”

I’m not making this stuff up, people.

In another show, the gigolos felt bad for one of their own, struggling to make child support payments. So, they all (four of them) fulfilled a woman’s fantasy of having multiple men at once. They made $4,000 and donated it all to their gigolo friend as a surprise.

These guys, apparently, also have very big…hearts.

When the show was over, there was absolutely nothing else I could watch. How do you top that?!

Have you checked this out? Isn’t it great?!

Note: The irony of posting this on Easter is not lost on me. However, isn’t it kind of fun to come across a blog with something a little more unexpected? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

"F Bombs Help you Live Longer"

You all know that I watch some quality TV programming, right? My shows tend to fall into two general categories:

1. Reality TV (which also includes the fabulous reality TV SPIN-OFF shows)

2. Paid cable TV shows that are full of the naughty stuff

To give you just a sampling of what I get shamelessly excited about:

The crazy bitches on The “Real” Housewives of (insert city here). And, yes, they are ALL crazy bitches.

Bethenny Getting Married? (She’s still a crazy bitch, but in a good way.)

Bachelor/Bachelorette (I don’t know when people who go on this show will realize that it doesn’t really work for them.)

Bachelor Pad (Pure entertainment.)

Survivor (The CLASSIC reality competition TV show)

Big Brother (I haven’t yet been bothered enough by the fact that it is the same show every season just with different bodies.)

Nurse Jackie (Addiction + Adultery = AWESOME TV!)

Californication (Cursing, nudity, and sex. Yessss.)

Weeds (Drugs and Dramady!)

United States of Tara (Guess what? This chick has multiple personalities, and when she needed a therapist, well…she just became one! Talk about multi-tasking.)

Also (some honorable mentions): Teen Mom, Intervention, The Real World, Jersey Shore, Last Comic Standing, Project Runway (or, Project WunWay, as my husband likes to imitate Heidi Klum), etc. There are others, but these are, clearly, the STAND OUTS.

Naturally, I would be exposed to some pretty inspirational thoughts and ideas after watching some of the above. But there are a few, key quotes that I have particularly enjoyed this week that I’d love to share with you.

“F bombs help you live longer.” – Kathy Griffin (My Life on the D List)

“Word to your mother.” – Bethenny Frankel (Bethenny Getting Married, upon learning that she could drink her beer while breastfeeding.)

“I hate floaters.” - Interestingly enough, this has been heard on MULTIPLE shows. And, taken out of context, could have many meanings, which is why it has potential to be such a fun phrase.

"How about a new show called Family Medication Swap?" - from Last Comic Standing (I am sorry, I do not remember which comic said it. It was actually one of the judges, and I do not remember his name.)

Some may wonder why I expose myself to such...fluffy...shit (for lack of a better word). Some may think, "Geez, Kristy, you are so smart. Like genius smart. Why do you watch that stuff?"

Simply, it makes me laugh. It puts a smile on my face. I shake my head and give a low chuckle. I believe that it is very important, indeed, to be entertained and laugh every day.

So, how about you? What has inspired you this week? What quality TV programming do you indulge in? What entertains you and makes you laugh?

Reality TV is my Crack

Botox, anyone?

I freaking love reality TV. I know it catches a lot of slack, but dammit, I can’t tear myself away. I even have an excuse for my behavior that sounds intelligent. I am a psychologist and I also love social psychology, and watching an ill-advised amount of reality TV is like conducting observations of real crazies. I know, I know, many things are set up or manipulated, but I don’t care. It is an escape and I watch in horror and fascination. There are other reasons I watch of course, besides professional observation. To illustrate, my husband and I were recently checking out the new Secrets of Aspen (yet another reason why my husband is a saint for living with me. He is subjected to my obsessions). If you have not watched this show, be warned. It is atrocious. In the words of one of my favorite reality TV stars, “It is self indulgent crap!” (If you don’t know who says that, then you do not watch enough reality TV). My husband, in utter disgust, says, “Who are these people?! They are awful! They’re mean! Why are we watching this?!” I excitedly replied, “Because!!! They are so awful it makes you feel like a much better person!” So, there is another reason for watching reality TV.

The real reason I started this rant was to pick on another of my favorite shows-The Real Housewives of (insert city here). Every single time I watch, I am totally blown away. These are REAL HOUSEWIVES? Are you kidding me? If I am living in the United States of America and there is a popular show called “The Real Housewives of such-and-such,” then I’m going to think this is actually a representation of REAL American housewives. Has anyone else noticed that many of these women are not “housewives” at all?! Some are not even married, nor do they have children. And get this, even the ones that are not married and have no children-many times they have no job as well. They must simply be, “housepeople??” certainly not “housewives.” They spend their time getting Botox, buying Botox for others, having Botox parties, oh, yes, and doing charity work. Maybe producers believe that in order for this show to be interesting, it needs to only have rich women on it. But I firmly believe that if they REALLY did a REAL Housewives show, there would be some fun drama to watch! How about “The Real Housewives of El Paso?” Or, “The Real Housewives of Compton?” Or, “The Real Housewives of Pueblo?” Well, these are just initial ideas.

I have already gone on long enough, but before I go, Hey! Reality TV lovers, Survivor starts next Thursday!!! Woop, woop!