Phantom Poo Poo and other Misadventures

I'm here! I know I haven't posted in a week - what a week it has been!

We have had many adventures in our Thanksgiving travels, including:

"Mommy, it is time to look at the weird blue man."



This is from a look and find book. This page is "Genie in a Bottle" obviously. Parker was entranced. And weirded out. And he couldn't stop looking at it. This killed some time during our long drives.

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My son actually channeled Robert DeNiro on our trip out! The famous, pained expression of ol' DeNiro is exactly what my son looked like in the back seat as he threw a royal fit about...I don't even remember what it was about, but he looked pretty funny. Like this guy:

Google images

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We also had a fabulous time watching our child play, play, play with other people's kids. Parker even bravely tried to sleep in one of these said child's room one night, but the other boy had to come get me. He said, "Parker says there's a ghost light in the room." Alas, no break from sleeping with Parker during vacation for me, and into bed with me he went.

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Speaking of ghosts, we were lucky enough to be plagued by a Phantom Poo Poo on our long drive home. About every 30 minutes, Parker said his stomach hurt and that he had to poo poo. Wanting to avoid an accident, we fell for this ploy about 3 different times and stopped so he could go to the bathroom. No poo poo. Every time. But, hey, we got to have lots of fun running around another convenience store.

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While sitting at The Kid Table one night for dinner, I could hear the kids sharing their ages.

"I'm eight!"

"I'm six!" etc.

"How old are you, Parker?"

"I'm 21."

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My boy is keen on doing ear splitting screeches at random. They don't last long, and I never know when it's going to happen, so I can't really prevent it, and it's one of those things I just ignore and let go of. It's one of those things that mothers learn to tune out a bit. Until the child is around other people. Then it seems very apparent. It is a sort of high pitched WoooooOOOOOp! Like an angry peacock. Or a howler monkey.

I looked over at one of the 25 people at our Thanksgiving get together and said, "He just likes to make sure everyone's awake," and I offered an apologetic smile.

He said deadpan, "Well, we are."

It reminded me of an Elizabethtown clip - the one where the hyper little boy is always screaming and periodically wakes the old man. This guy:

Google images

Which then inspires Orlando Bloom's character to play this TOTALLY AWESOME video for the hyper, loud boy.

Rusty's Learning to Listen
(You must watch this.)

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Some other pics from our trip:

Parker's first time on the ice! (Being held up by his daddy and aunts)

Watching the zamboni

The Rom Com (Family Vacation Part 2)

I could sense that something was wrong. My mom's boyfriend, Carlos, was talking in a hushed tone. I picked up the word, "Uncomfortable."

Oh boy. He had finally had it. He couldn't take us anymore. We were crass and awful people, and he wanted out.

"What's wrong?" I asked my mom next to me.

"Nothing!" My mom said a little too quickly and loudly. "Nothing at all! Why?"

I looked at Carlos' face. It was tense. I looked at her. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No! No, sweetheart, everything's fine!" My mom said emphatically.

Carlos had caught wind of my worry. "Oh, no, no, Kristy, don't worry, nothing is wrong. It is not you," Carlos explained.

It was not me.

Hmmmm.

I looked around at the other suspects.

My son was rubbing the face of his apple on the table and then eating it.

My husband was calculating the right moment he could go interrupt one of his favorite lead singers at a nearby table and get a picture of him (Roger Clyne). You see, here's the proof:

My husband, Roger Clyne (from The Refreshments and Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers), and my brother

My brother was nearly single-handedly finishing the pitcher of margarita on the table.

My niece was looking for hungry, skinny dogs to feel sorry for. We found one. See, look:

But he was too cute and peppy looking to feel sorry for. (Look closely - there is a small Chihuahua peeking at us on top of the restaurant roof.)

Suddenly, Carlos began to speak.

He had a speech. It didn't take long to realize that something exciting was about to happen. He was going to propose!

But, no! There would be no proposal and some long, boring engagement.

There was to be a WEDDING on our resort balcony THE NEXT DAY! My mom was getting married!

Much hugging, kissing, and shouting occurred. Carlos is a smart guy. He knows that we are a family that loves excitement.

Sure enough, the next day, on the balcony of our hotel room was a simple and touching wedding ceremony with only the most important people in our small family.

It was just the way they wanted it.

(Well, except for Parker attempting to break out in a hockey game in the middle of it all and then force loud burps.)

But, besides that, the love was in the air.



Our family has blessedly grown by one.

The Blooper Reel (Family Vacation Part 1)

Oh, what a time we had at our favorite Mexican beach resort.

Honestly, we were better behaved this year than last. Nobody fell! There was no renegade poop. There was no anger-death-screams in the car. There was no vomiting and heart burn. The number of F-bombs was decreased when children were around. There was no heckling of young, skinny people. There was no shameless flirting with locals, nor yelling out the window in Mexico, "Feed your dogs!"

No, we did not do these things.

"What did you do then?" You may ask, "Did you people have any fun at all?"

Examples of why we are still a rip-roaring group, and you are all jealous of our fun (Winning!):

-Although there was no out-and-out heckling, my brother kept ogling this beautiful and tan lady on the beach. He'd say, "Look at her. She's got this hot body and can just go lay down on a towel in the middle of the beach and look great." (I did not look over at the time, but he may have been rubbing his belly while taking a drag on a cigarette after saying that.) All I said was, "Ack, she'll have skin cancer in 5 years."

-My son had a fascination for making jokes about pooping in the elevator. Every time we would take the resort elevator, we would hear a gleeful squeal. "I'm going to poo-poo in the vator!" Parker would get in the elevator, squat a little and make grunting noises. We would watch him and laugh (this is the kind of idiot stuff that my family things is top-notch comedy). He would then stand and shout, "Poo poo!" We would yell, "Yea!" It was a festive time.

-We have always found certain Mexican signs around the resort hilarious. They have a canny way of wording things. The resort officials are teasers, they are. They like to tempt you with something that sounds FUN, FUN, FUN, and then promptly say, "No." Here is an example of a sign at the Aqua Bar:

"Get on the roof of the Aqua Bar it's not allowed."

Do you see what I mean?! It starts with, "Get on the roof of the Aqua Bar," and already my little brain is thinking, "This place is right up my alley!" or, "Good idea!"

But no. If you do not have adult ADHD, and you are able to read on and finish the statement, you see the eloquently stated, "It's not allowed."

Crushed. No fun. Fun haters.

Here are more examples of this same thing at the resort:

"Dive off the bridge into the pool it's not allowed."

"Dive off the roof of the Aqua Bar it's not allowed."

It's not allowed, people. It's not allowed.

So then, imagine our delight (or humiliation, depending on your level of drunkenness), when we were at dinner and being serenaded by some charming mariachi. My son must have thought this was un-called for and kept shouting at them while they sang, "It's not allowed! It's not allowed!"

photo from here

-We discovered a favorite past-time of finding dead fish on the beach in the mornings after the tide went out. Always one with social grace, my son would laugh every time he saw one. "Look, Mommy! It's dead! Ha, ha, ha, ha!" So, being the good mommy I was, I would take pictures of them. Now he can still look at them and laugh.


-My son was gaining some confidence in swimming back and forth between the stools at the Aqua Bar. The first time he did this on his own, he shouted to everyone, "I didn't die!"

-We are now using this photo as a teaching tool for Parker. "See, look, Parker! You hold your pee-pee like that when you stand to pee! Mommy doesn't need to hold it for you!"


There were so many other adventures...I simply cannot relate them all - My new stepfather attempted to buy Mexico out of Nicorette gum, I held my niece's armpits to help her squat above an untrustworthy toilet, and speaking of new stepfather, there was a surprise wedding too!!!! I have a new stepfather! This is a blessed and happy thing. That story will be my next blog post in Part 2 of our family vacation, "The Rom Com."

Off We Go to Mexico!

Once again, my crazy family and I are off to a beach resort in Mexico! We had so much fun last year, we have decided to do it again. After all, the thought of side-splitting laughter, embarrassingly falling into the pool, and dealing with mysterious gray clouds coming from swim diapers in a pool just keep me coming back for more.

Since it is still a totally appropriate post, I will take advantage of re-posting an old post from last year about going to Mexico. It's a busy day. Enjoy an oldie but goodie!

Mexican vacation + Two Year Old = Just Keep Drinking

Off we go to our favorite Mexican beach resort! We leave tomorrow for three nights, and there is no turning back now. Reservations are made, cars (plural) are LOADED, coolers packed, groceries bought, and I’ve already started applying sunscreen to the fair-skinned maniac. I am beyond excited with a little fear mixed in. The best chemistry for vacation anticipation. This will be my bub’s first trip to any ocean/beach.

Last year, my husband and I went alone to the Mexican beach resort while Grandma watched our bub. I completely surprised myself by being very sad while I was there, missing my bub! I looked around at all the families at the pool together, at the beach, playing in the lawn, and I wanted the same! To be surrounded by family, digging in the sand, and making memories.

So, off we go! My mom, brother, neice, hub, bub, and myself all participating in the fulfillment of one of my dreams!

Let us only hope that we can have some of this:



And, not much of this:



Prayers are appreciated!

Rude Behavior is Innevitable (and an Award!)

Of course, while in Mexico and on our epic journey, there was rude behavior had by all. To me, rude and inappropriate behavior is nothing but FUN, FUN, FUN! I might define it a little differently than everyone else, so here are some examples by everyone that was there (in order from youngest to oldest).

Parker – Besides the expected “NO” shrieking and general two-year old wailing, Parker let loose a mysterious gray cloud out of his butt in the resort pool, jumped up and clicked the stewardess button so many times that nobody came to help (ever), and in a moment of glee threw sand in my face and open mouth.

In true Parker style, strangers called Parker by his name. People at the resort pool knew his name. When he threw a ball back to people from the side of the pool, they shouted, “Thanks, Parker!” I did not know these people. At all. These people are only used to hearing a constant chorus of, “Parker! Parker, here! Parker, no! Parker!” When providing our boarding passes at the end of our journey, the man said, “Ahh, there’s Parker again, you made it.” I looked and realized this man was outside at curbside check-in and had the opportunity to observe Parker deftly sliding out of his stroller while I was busy trying to rip the m******-f***ing car seat out of the car.

Mercedes – Ahh, the tween girl. My precious and beautiful niece with perfected eye-rolling and sporadically surly comments. She has amazing patience with Parker (except when she is trying to sleep in), and I love watching them play together. It brings pure joy to my heart. Honestly, there is nothing truly rude to report here, other than jabs she gave to her dad here and there, but believe me, my brother (the asshole) deserves a lot of it.

Kristy – I know you will be all too surprised to find out that I acted inappropriately at times. It was fabulous. There was one night in which I had indulged in many an alcoholic drink, as will happen on Mexican beach resorts vacations with swim-up aqua bars. Falling occurred. I fell into the pool, on the grassy lawn, on the sand. Whenever this happened, I would look around at the laughing people nearby and shout, “WHATEVER!”

I was having an enjoyable time talking with people at the aqua bar. I was also having a very enjoyable time using the F word. This was brought to my attention to pipe down on the F word. Well, my memory and impulse control was greatly affected at this time, and it kept happening. Whenever I noticed my faux-pas, I would shout, “F***! SORRY!” I would just generally shout to anyone in the area that had the unfortunate placement in the universe to be near me and my rude (but so f***ing fun) behavior.

*I would like to note at this time that Parker napped during aqua bar happy hour.

Scott – My brother is the King of rude behavior, and he will tell you that is true. One of my favorites from my brother went like this, “God, Kristy, I was up in the middle of the night with this horrible heart burn! I was in the bathroom, and I threw up and ORANGE, ACID FIRE came straight out of my mouth! BAAAHHH!” (Like me, my brother uses a lot of growling, expression, and gesturing when telling stories.)

My brother and I kept calling all the young, taut 20-something tan and skinny ones “f***ers” (not to their face, just mumbling it to each other of course). A group of them would walk by here and there, and Scott and I would take turns mumbling to each other, “Go back to your Laguna Beach Hills show, fuckers.”

My brother and I were walking back up to our towels from the ocean, and I thought my brother was going to fall over and die having to hike uphill in sand to get there. We got to the top, and he leaned over catching his breath, stood up and said, “Give me one of my cigarettes.”

Scott kept handing over $20 bills every once in a while to the aqua bar staff. He would say, “Just let me know when I’m in the red!” Every time he ordered, he would order six margaritas at a time. Six. (There were usually only three people in our party drinking.)

Richard – My husband truly must be the sanest one of us, bless his heart. He’s usually either scared and embarrassed or completely entertained by all of us. He has moments though too, of course. None of us in this world are immune. I particularly liked the concoctions he would make. He mixed tequila with margarita mix with Orange Crush soda with Dos Equis and God knows what else (the color was amazing). He found the largest, biggest BOWL of a cup to use and would pass around these wonderfully enticing drinks for all to share. The only thing that really kept his occasional Fucker status in place was when he left on our anniversary morning to go on an overnight biking trip with his BFF man friend (a.k.a, his other wife) in Flagstaff, Arizona (the site of our wedding, no less).

Mom – My mom is this sweet, giving, warm-hearted person. All those around her love her calm and serene energy. She is full of laughter and kindness. But, let me tell you, she can have some fun too, and when she lets loose, we ALL have a good laugh. My absolute favorite one on this trip was when we were driving through the streets of our downtown Mexican city, and Mom kept shouting through the open windows, “FEED YOUR DOGS! HA, ha, ha, ha!” I shouted, “Scott! Put the child locks on the windows and drive faster! Geez!” It was also enjoyable to see her enamored and flirty with our young, stud of a waiter, Eduardo. It was fun to hear her say his name with a deep voice, and she would say, “Ed-UAR-do, our hero.”

Well, my people, I shall end this post with a big THANK YOU to Ma, What’s For Dinner, because she gave me an award! How nice was that to come home from vacay and have an award waiting! Here it is:


Believe me, after describing the rude behavior above, the irony of this award is not lost on me.

Now, to award to some other well-deserving bloggers who brighten my day! (Rules: Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to their site, give the award to 12 other bloggers, and let them know you have given them an award. If you have already received this award, just do what you would like with it and know that you brighten my day!)
Diminishing Lucy
Wanderlust
Finding My Weigh
Theta Mom
Mommy's Sippy Cup
Discoveries
Mummy Time
Mommy Pants
Motherhood Uncensored
Alabaster Cow
Buried with Children
Good Day, Regular People

Mexican Vacation + Two Year Old and Family = Just Keep Drinking!

Off we go to our favorite Mexican beach resort! We leave tomorrow for three nights, and there is no turning back now. Reservations are made, cars (plural) are LOADED, coolers packed, groceries bought, and I’ve already started applying sunscreen to the fair-skinned maniac. I am beyond excited with a little fear mixed in. The best chemistry for vacation anticipation. This will be my bub’s first trip to any ocean/beach.

Last year, my husband and I went alone to the Mexican beach resort while Grandma watched our bub. I completely surprised myself by being very sad while I was there, missing my bub! I looked around at all the families at the pool together, at the beach, playing in the lawn, and I wanted the same! To be surrounded by family, digging in the sand, and making memories.

So, off we go! My mom, brother, neice, hub, bub, and myself all participating in the fulfillment of one of my dreams!

Let us only hope that we can have some of this:



And, not much of this:



Prayers are appreciated!

Carpe Diem!

Right now I am so glad to be home. I have been on a work trip that was jam packed and exhausting. My son is sitting on top of our coffee table picking at a candle, turning lights on and off, and looking at me like, “Come play with me, Mom!” I have lots to do today to get ready for our epic journey that begins early tomorrow morning. I feel like I’ve got to get on here and post, so here it is, a post. Now I am going to go and grab my boy and give him loud sounding fart kisses on his stomach, play with him, and start getting ready for our what-the-hell-are-we-thinking-family-vacation. I will keep you updated on the adventures ahead and check in as much as I can. Here’s to the present moment, people, let’s go enjoy it!

Last one in Grandma's Bed is a Rotten Egg!

Pictures are so important to me. I may have spotty time for scrapbooking, but I at least always keep the picture situation organized. I feel it important to chronicle our daily lives in an OCD kind of way. Then why is it that, every once in a while, I completely forget to take any pictures during trips or important events? Drives me crazy. I return and ultimately think, “I should’ve taken more pictures!”

Here is the one and only picture taken during our trip to Arizona.



Parker can only be described as deliriously happy in this picture while laying in my lap, eating Cheet-O’s on Grandma’s couch, and hanging out with his uncle, cousin, and grandma.

It was a beautiful moment, but the moment that I really wish could have been captured in a photo forever was during our last night at Grandma’s house. My mom, my niece, my bub (Parker), and Rosie (the cat) were all crowded on my mom’s bed together. My brother stood nearby as we all talked and laughed about the night’s events (Parker had an angry, stinky poop at the restaurant and then was in a great post-poop mood during dinner. He hammed it up and giggled and made faces while sitting in his victory. But I digress. Back to the beautiful moment.) Parker and my niece were jumping around on the bed laughing. My brother and I were excitedly talking to my mom at the same time. The cat had a ready-to-attack hunched look on her face, but she did not move from her rightful place on the bed. Parker jumped into my mom’s arms and yelled, “Gran-ma-ma!”

That is a moment in my mind that I hope stays clear forever. Life is meant to be filled with the people you love and time well spent together. It makes up for 13 hour car rides from hell – complete with thrown macaroni, screaming fits, burned lips, and blood. But that is another story for another time.

God Help Us. We're going on a Trip!

“We’re going on a trip, we’re going on a trip. . . Are we there yet? Are we there yet? My excitement’s getting stronger!” I’m sure you recognized that catchy little ditty from Nick Jr.’s very own Moose (by the way, can I just make one random comment by saying that there are no need for clocks in a house when there is Nick Jr.).

Today, we are getting ready for a trip, however, the exact ratio of excitement to trepidation is unclear at this point. We will set out tomorrow at 5 am and drive from Colorado Springs to Phoenix (you know, because we’re stupid). Traveling with children is just one of those things that has to get better with practice. We have taken Parker on just a few trips in his two years, and we have held onto the hope that it will get easier as he gets older.

So, here we are. Going on a trip.

It would be an understatement to say that I worry a bit. I also like to plan things out and think about things in advance and be prepared for many types of situations. I approach new things with a healthy dose of skepticism. Needless to say, I feel a little wary at the moment.

In anticipation of the necessary organizing, packing, and preparing, we have taken Parker to day care today while we get ready. It is a formidable task. There is just a whoooole lotta stuff to get together. So, naturally I have decided to sit here on the couch with Rachel Ray in the background and write and blog and check e-mail and Facebook. I will try to keep up with some of it while staying at my mom’s house, but we will see.

Here we begin another family adventure! Part of me has a bit of the ole Clark Griswold want for family fun and vacations. But part of me knows that there will be some annoying shit that goes on.

What are some things you have found to be helpful when traveling with kids? Here are a few I have thought of all by myself!

Dum-Dums to distract a fussy car-seat trapped little person
Soft activity tray for car seat
New never-before-seen activity books
Portable DVD player OF COURSE!
Ear plugs
Anxiety medication
White noise machines (yes, plural)
And, pretty much as many contents of my house that will fit in the car (husband is an excellent packer of vehicles)

Please pray for us, or send us warm thoughts in the universe, or conduct good voo-doo, whatever it is you do, do it. I know we’ll need it at some point!