Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'm Too Sexy for my Black Lycra Gown

For crying out loud, people, why can’t it be normal to wear gowns as a swimming suit? And if this can’t be normal, then why can’t cellulite and varicose veins be considered beautiful? You may ask, “Why is Kristy ranting so?”

Well, you guessed it.

I did a little swim suit shopping today.

Well, I did a little swim suit shopping in my own home. I ordered a variety of one-pieces with new “magic” sucking-in technology, some with skirts attached, some with detachable skirts, some with sashes and things that can serve a variety of functions (the primary function being DISTRACTION from above-mentioned cellulite, veins, and bulgy things).

I did end up choosing one that caused the least amount of psychotic babble. I sounded like my son, repeating over and over, “Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, dear.”

There is a bit of relief in at least having the damn thing chosen. Now the only step left is to buy a few bottles of self-tanner and wonder just how much I can slather on to make a difference in the appearance of my pasty legs.

You may ask, “Why is Kristy so worried about this in February in Colorado with snow on the ground?”
Well, Spring Break is coming, and no, I am not going to do what I secretly and guiltily picture myself doing sometimes (dancing on the beach too drunk to care what I look like and being wildly excited that “Shoop” by Salt N Pepa just came on. I can here you now, ladies! “Here I go, here I go, here I go again! What’s my weakness? Men!”).

I digress.

My family’s plan for Spring Break is visiting the extended fam in Phoenix, and of course, spending some time at the pool. And here’s the thing, in spite of the body and swim suit issues, I am really, truly looking forward to taking my son to the pool. Parker loves the water. It will be great to see his little two year old face light up when he goes to the pool for the first time again since last summer. I’ll be damned if I let my own insecurities get in the way of having fun with my child. I’ll be the one at the pool, in a black Lycra gown, holding my precious two year old. I’ll have a big silly grin on my face, living it up, and enjoying the best things in life. It took me many years and one child to realize that the BEST things in life are not tanned, toned thighs and a flat stomach. The best things in life are the people you love and who love you (cellulite and all).


Anonymous said...

Love it Kristy! I have forwarded your blog address to many of my friends and have heard positive things from many of them so far. . . keep it up. . . I LOVE getting your posts! Natalie

Kathryn said...

Oh, this post is lovely! AND funny.

Your first mistake was that you probably tried those swimsuits on sober. (I'll never make that mistake again.)

How about this: You buy a floor-length robe and tell everyone at the pool you're freezing...due to poor circulation and post-traumatic-snow-syndrome (they'll buy it...you're from Colorado, after all) and then when your son asks to hit the pool, you say, "Okay!" and fling off the robe and do a flawless 9.0 cannonball into the water....(son to follow).

Anonymous said...

I have not told you in a while how much I love your blog. You are too clever. . . Catherine

Kristy said...

Thanks, Kathryn! Love your blog as well. Particularly liked the giant Prozac pill and Olympic happenings in your yard. Good tip - "Cannonball it!" (Caddyshack)

Mommy X said...

I need to take a lesson here. I absolutely hate bathing suits. HATE!

melissa said...

i wont wear a bathing suit. ever. and i have a pool in my backyard.
it's bad.
i know.