Why the Dead Never Leave Us

Soon after my husband’s dear Grandma Lorenzen passed away, my son provided us a reminder of her.

Grandma Lorenzen had always collected little animal figurines. Years ago, I had given her a small eagle. After her passing, we kept this memento of her. My husband kept it in a little chest in “his” closet. (My husband is assigned the guest room closet for his clothes. I’m sure there are many other homes in which the guest room closet serves as The Husband’s Closet.)

One day, I walked into our bedroom and saw that little eagle sitting on my husband’s night stand by our bed. I kind of gasped, then smiled. I believe in signs, and I thought that was pretty cool. Perhaps Grandma Lorenzen was “saying hi.” I took the eagle and put it back in my husband’s wooden chest and told my husband about it.

That same day, or the next day (I do not remember), there was the eagle again, sitting atop our dresser.

No matter how many times that eagle was put in my husband’s wooden chest, our son, Parker, would get it out again and put it in our room.

It now stays on my husband’s nightstand. Watching us with an eagle eye. And we love every part of what that means.

My own dear Grandma Gourley always had a bowl of hard-shell nuts in her house all year round. As children, we always loved cracking our own nuts and eating them when we visited her house. During the holidays, it is common to see bags of those nuts being sold in the store, but I don’t usually buy any. Even though, years ago, my grandma gave me a brass nutcracker. I keep the nutcracker with our Christmas decorations, and every year I put it up as decoration in our kitchen.

A few weeks ago, as I sat in my grandma’s kitchen after she passed away, I looked around her home. I took in the scent that only belonged to the homes she had. I looked at all the beautiful things she carefully chose and placed throughout her home, and I saw that bowl of hard-shell nuts on her kitchen counter with a couple of simple nutcrackers on top.

A few nights ago, my husband and I sat on the couch watching TV. Parker was playing and rummaging around in the basement as he loves to do sometimes.

He came clambering up the stairs. He walked up to me and said, “Here you go, Mommy.”

He was holding the brass nutcracker. He set it on the couch next to me and went back to the basement.

I looked at my husband. “How in the world did he get this?!” I was astonished. I had a big smile on my face and tears stung my eyes.

“I don’t know!” he said.

You see, this nutcracker is in with big Tupperware containers on storage shelves in a storage room. We don’t get these out until we’re ready for Christmas decorating. You had better believe I’m going to have a bowl of hard-shell nuts out at Christmas time for that nutcracker!

Funny thing, this feeling of connection with others who have passed. It is fleeting. Sometimes you don’t feel them at all, you only feel the loss, and it is the deepest sadness a human can feel. Then, unexpectedly, a little sign, a little “hello,” and you know that they are with you, watching you like an eagle, “crackin your nuts,” and checking in on your child.

This morning, I woke and told my husband that I had dreamt of my grandma last night. I didn’t elaborate, as it was a sad dream.

My husband said, “Funny, I dreamt of all my grandmas last night, too.” (My husband rarely remembers his dreams.)

“Huh,” I said, as I reached in the kitchen cupboard to pull out a coffee cup my grandma used to have and warmed myself with some Sunday morning coffee.