Oh my goodness. Last night, I had flashbacks.
Not flashbacks in the sense of, “Whoa, I’ve done way too much acid, man.”
More like, flashbacks of when my child was an infant, and we were in the throes of dealing with reflux and colic and CONTINUOUS, angry crying.
I felt shell-shocked. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Heartbroken. At a loss. Scared. Not sure. Full of doubt. Inadequate.
I picked up my son from daycare today. He apparently has a stomach virus, causing awful diarrhea. There must be some kind of stomach cramping involved too because my son acts as though the devil has taken over his intestines.
(As a fun aside, at least my son describes things in an entertaining and truly perfect way. Puke is called “poop sneeze.” Diarrhea is called “poop puddle.”)
There was a time last night when my son was completely inconsolable. Throwing things, hitting, kicking, screaming. He was covered in his own diarrhea, and I couldn’t even get close enough, without being attacked, to do anything about it. This went on for so long (about an hour, a little longer) that I wondered if we needed to GO SOMEWHERE.
I’m thinking, “Is his appendix bursting as we stand here?!”
Eventually, we got him in the bath, with his clothes on, scared, trembling, and screaming. Once he was clean and changed, finally, all was calm. He watched a movie and ate a banana.
I stood in the kitchen, and I felt…like shit.
My nerves were on edge. I had to make dinner. I didn’t want to eat. I felt like I used to. When he was an infant.
And, there was the old fear. The fear that, I believe, every mother has sometimes.
I don’t think I am cut out for this.
And, I remembered how I used to feel that way. Low on sleep and holding an infant I couldn’t soothe. I didn’t think I was cut out for it.
I learned to tell myself, “You were meant to be Parker’s mother. You ARE cut out for it. You were cut out perfectly, for him.”
In the moments of chaos and crying and pain and doubt, you do not think you are cut out for it.
But, you are. You are cut from the same cloth, and only you can be his mother.
67 comments:
aw, your post just brought me tears. It's true, in those moments when all you want is to help them, and you just can't.. it's so stressful. My kids never had colic or anything, but with my first, when he was about 7 or 8 weeks old, he went through a couple of weeks of non stop crying.. and being a new mom, I thought I had to fix it... and so I just wanted for him to shut the hell up because I couldn't take it anymore.
and so, then, the guilt would settle in for having those thoughts....
you are most definitely cut out to be HIS mother. No other mother could do a better job :)
That's really tough. I can only imagine the stress. I don't know how old Parker is, but I think he's a genius in his descriptions. Hiliarious. You should give yourself a ton of credit every day for being able to care for another person. It's so much work. It's very tough. I think everyone feels the way you do sometimes no matter what they do. We all feel like we're in over our heads. Keep hanging in there....
I was right with you there, in the midst of the fear, anxiety and uncertainty. I think all mums have had moments like that. I certainly have. What can you do but get through them?
I've felt that way with my teenager quite a few times lately!
I am stopping by from SITS! I have always wanted kids, but somehow when I read all these blogs written by mothers I doubt I am cut out for it! I am your newest follower and would love a follow back on my blog!
Girl, I think we ALL go through this at some point. There are some moments where I even wonder how I got here and if I'll ever make it out alive. And yet, we do - and so do they, and somehow, we are stonger women for it.
xoxo
Oh, very cut out for it, for sure! Good on you for finding that inner voice again. Reminiscing about the uncertain newborn days when we were both (and her daddy too) in our infancy, let's face it, can sometimes alarm me when I look at my 4yo daughter now. We always know. I think the hard task is trying to burrow past our own fears and sleep deprivation (a tough one) and whatnot in order to listen to our own instincts about our children.
Great post! A thinker... :)
Hope today is a better day ... and yes I think most of us are cut for it or else how would be where we are today !
Tears from me too! I feel like this every now and again and i hate it. I know that I'm meant for him but in those moments when you doubt it...it's awful.
I love this post. I totally agree. It is so easy to become overwhelmed and feel inadequate. It's practically a requirement. You must feel that way at least once. I hope your baby feels better soon. Stomach cramps are no fun, but I love his discriptions.
I can so relate to this post. I still ask all the time, why was I given triplets? I totally don't feel like I can handle it.
LOL! Poop sneeze. That kid is awesome. I totally remember that time. Wee 'Burb was not colicky, thank goodness, but she had a tongue reflex that meant she would spit out her pacifier, but she wanted her pacifier, and it lasted for 3 months to the point that we would just lay next to her in her vibrating chair (cuz that's how she would sleep, not in her bassinet) and just cork her the second it came out. It was awful and I felt totally inept and horrible, just as you described. Then a few weeks ago she fell and crawled to me and into my lap and clung to me and I'm like "yup, I'm good at this. Or at least, good enough." Plus I watch Teen Mom, I freaking rule!
Brilliant post! I occasional have those moments where I remember how it felt,just as you say- the tired, cold panic of this huge responsibility...
But, as you say- we are cut juts for them. Perfectly.
Thank you. Right now I am struggling through with my third baby who has colic and reflux. It gets on top of me faster than I ever imagined.
I found myself reading this with tears falling from my eyes.
I realate to EVERY.SINGLE.WORD. you typed. My son would scream for hours when he was an infant. Our babysitter actaully fired us and she had 40 years experience sitting for kids in her home, yet she could not handle my child. There were countless times I looked at my husband and said we HAVE to go to the ER...this can't be normal.
It is a cruel predicament to find yourself in when your first child behaves in this way. Motherhood is new, and you're not sure what to do. All of those feelings of self doubt? Had them. Still do. I wish you lived in my town...I could use a friend like you in my life.
Please know I share all the same feelings, emotions, and insecurities. I hope Parker is feeling better...poor little guy:(
Hope you guys have a great weekend!
I am SUCH a horrible bloggy friend! I have been SO busy/lazy that I haven't caught up with you in forever! I read this post last night and it made me cry. I have never been where you were with colic, but I did have the same experience with Monkey right after her transplant. When we brought her home, she cried nonstop pretty much for a week straight. (We brought her home the day before thanksgiving, so there was no one to call for almost a week!) I was worried sick that she was rejecting or we were doing something wrong. Once she went to sleep at night (for the whole 2 hours she would sleep then) I was a wreck. We eventually found out that she was in withdrawl from her pain meds. (Poor thing!) I hope that your little one is feeling better. And know that you are meant to be his mommy. If you weren't, you wouldn't worry like you do.
Kristy, it is a mom thing that lasts forever. Paisley came down with strep this week and I felt totally inadequate and didn't know what to do to help her!
Sandy
What a nice post.
I definately have moments when I think, "I don't have the patience for this..I'm not good enough to do this.."
I hope Parker feels better!
I am always questioning my thought processes when I decided to take the plunge into parenthood. It is frustrating, exhausting, aggravating...but then you get the smiles, the giggles, the "i love you's", and the pictures made JUST for you.
And you wonder how you ever lived without them :)
Visiting from Red Dress Club
I have that feeling at some point usually every day!
But there's always something that reminds me that, yes, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Great post!
First, your son is hilarious. What a comedian! Poop sneeze. Priceless!
I can definitely relate to how you felt. I had my first child just before my 21st birthday. I worried constantly and rushed her to the ER several times, once for a bee sting. (She'd never had one before. What if she was allergic?! She cried like she was dying.) Now I'm a new mother again; my son is 17 months old. I'm much more confident but even I have days where I think I'm ill-prepared. On those days I call my mother. :)
Baby No. 1, a total surprise and a challenge from day one up to and including now, taught me that even if I wasn't cut out for it: tough. Grow some and deal. So I did. She'll be 17 soon. Baby No. 2 is a breeze. But, oh do I remember those first few days of new motherhood. I didn't think I'd last a week.
I feel like this constantly but as inadequate as I can feel at times, I always remind myself-who else will love and worship my child like I would? That's got to count for high points on our Mom resumes right? (-:
Oh, I hope Parker is feeling better. Yes, now that both our sons aren't infants anymore, I think we've become used to the "good life"--well "good life" meaning that we get to sleep in a little more and actually fit in activities that we like to do every once in a while. I know I don't do well on little sleep, so that anxiety creeps in for me when I have extra work to do and little ZZZZ's. Somehow, we all manage to get through these tough times...that, I guess, is what being a mom is all about.
Poor little guy! It sounds like you took good care of him though. I'm glad he's feeling better now.
what a great post! I definitely feel that sometimes particularly after the 5th temper tantrum and it's only 9:30am. Thanks for the reminder. Hope he's feeling better.
Oh that sounds so rough! I'm not there yet (and don't hope to be for a while longer), but I imagine I'll experience trying times like these and constantly wondering if I'm doing it "right." I guess it's just a learnas-you-go thing. I hope he's feeling better by now and that your pep talk worked to ease your doubts.
Aw, poor guy and poor you! That sounds miserable. Glad you got him calmed down.
As they get older you still feel like this at times.
It's hard. It's especially hard when they're sick. One of mine just got over this funk going around. Now the baby has it. AWFUL!
So true Kristy, and sooo hard. I think I would have started kicking and screaming right with him. You did well. You were his mother and just what he needed to help him through his trauma.
How can a post so full of crap be so sweet???
:-)
Those moments are so hard.
Btw, it's called "throwing up from your butt" here. Niiiiice.
I said this just he other day. Thanks!
Clearly... you are a FABULOUS mother.
Parallel lives,honey.
I sent you an email.
Merry Christmas!!
Wow, what a day! Isn't it crazy how quickly your confidence can turn to completely the other way. I'm glad you got through it!
Oh my goodness, sooooo true! My son had Colic and often at 5 am after 5 straight hours of inconsolable crying I too thought those thoughts. But boy, that ended up being a bonding thing in the end. I can't imagine a world not being his mommy now!.... MOST DAYS! ;)
OMG I have so been there! Stopping by from SITS! Enjoy your day in the spotlight!
Happy SITS day!
Thanks for directing us to this great post. I always need to hear things like this.
Happy SITS day!
Sooo glad to not have kids...I can't handle "poop smells"!
Ahhhh .. the poop puddles.
2 kids, both covered in poo and vomit. Like a scene straight out of The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.
The kids are now well into their teens, and I fondly look back on those days of excrement and vomit, because then I had some idea of what to do.
Now I'm the one crying and vomiting, but I still wonder if I'm cut out for the job.
Some days yes. Some days no. There will be more days like you've described, and even days you'll wonder if you've been abducted by aliens; hang in there, enjoy your wine, and know that some day these fluffy little bundles of peeping poo will be soaring on your own.
Then you can be a "lunch lady" to your hearts content. ;)
BTW: here from SITS.
So mouthy I forgot to mention.
Such a well written post, I can see why it's one of your favorites!
I know that I sometimes feel this way, and there's nothing you can do but repeat the mantra "You are cut out for it, you CAN do this, and if you don't, nobody will!"
Stopping by from SITS :)
What a lovely ending to an awful situation... I will remember that next time I doubt myself.
Happy SITS day!
That feeling of inadequacy comes and goes. Raising children is not a story book experience 24/7. My eldest is an adult now, and I keep wondering when I'll be able to hit the cruise button on this parenting thing. HA! It never ends! I'm grateful for the good times and hold on to those memories.
You perfectly described the feeling I had, and I think that most first time moms have. I always tell people that I was anxious and for the first time, really doubted myself. I never expressed as, "I'm not cut out for this." But that is exactly what the feeling was.
I wrote my own prep/warning/slice of reality for expecting mothers on what the first three months are like. The stuff people don't tell you about and makes you want to throw up when they coo at you and your newborn, "Isn't this just the best time?" If you'd like to take a look, it's here:
http://www.mommycribnotes.com/2010/07/dear-expecting-mom-good-luck-and-god.html
With a baby and a 2yo, I think this just about every day. Thanks for sharing your experience and how you get through.
I felt like this CONSTANTLY for the first 16 months or so of my son's life. Until I could start communicating with him verbally, I was completely clueless about what he wanted or why he was crying. I had that "nerves on edge" feeling every time my wife wasn't in the room with us.
Now that he's 2 and a half and pretty much knows what I'm saying at all times (even though he often chooses to ignore it), I have a really easy time with him. My wife, on the other hand, who was practically a baby whisperer, is having a tough time with this stage. He hits her a lot and it drives her nuts.
I'm far from some right-wing "family values" crusader, but this kind of stuff really makes me believe in a 2-parent household. I never expected there would be a day when my wife was having trouble dealing with our son, and I'm super grateful that I turned out to be a natural at handling this stage.
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