On Grace, and Survival

I must get my son to daycare. I must drop paperwork at the preschool. I must get to my dentist appointment. Running, running, running.

But, every time I get in the car, every time I am still, the tears come. I want to sob. But I cannot. The tears stream down. I will be at the dentist soon, making stupid ass small talk with a hygienist about how often I floss.

I drive to the grocery store. I am in a rush. Of course the dentist appointment took too long. We need milk. We need food. My husband says we are out of everything. By the time I get home from the grocery store, it will be past dinner time, and my three year old will be hungry.

I cry on the way to the grocery store. The car is where this is allowed.

The cashier, the boy who rings me up asks, "How is your day, ma'am?"

I pause. I look at him. Why is he asking me this? "I've seen better."

"Me too," he says.

"I'm usually not like that, but it's just kind of the way it is today," I explain, always having to apologize for my truth.

My heart is breaking for you, my friend.

You just left me. We had a beautiful time. Our boys played together. We connected in our old, sisterly way.

You just left me. You were supposed to go home.

I do not know why there is evil in this world, or why it hurts those who do not ever seem to deserve it.

I do not know why people are mean. We are not supposed to know why they are mean. That is their own demon, their own evil, and of course we do not understand it.

Girlie, I love you more than you love yourself I think.

I am trying to think of the words that can take some of the pain away, and I feel I am failing.

Sometimes, when you do not believe in yourself, it is enough to know that there are so many who believe in you. And someday, a small smile will grace your lips because you will finally feel it in yourself, and you will know that it has been there all along.