Our Christmas Story, Part 2 (Put this in your pipe and smoke it.)

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After the gluttonous present opening on Christmas morning, it was time for a big breakfast and mimosas.

This year, I bought TWO bottles of champagne. Cuz I’m smart.

“What the? Geez, where did all the champagne go?” my brother asked, amazed, when I asked him to open the second bottle.

“I’m still on my first one!” I defended.

“Well, me too!” said my brother.

My mom looked over, spatula in hand, cooking bacon, “I’ve had two already!”

Oh, ok. Go, Mom!

Another couple of “mimosas” later (more like giant glasses of champagne), my mom sat on a chair in the kitchen with a glassy, wistful look in her eye.

“Breakfast was so wonderful,” she said. Many times.

Soon thereafter, Mom was nowhere to be found. She had slipped away quietly and passed out for most of the rest of Christmas day.

………………………………

My boy had gotten the game, Guess Who (Spongebob Squarepants edition), for Christmas. I found it wildly entertaining to hear people all day, taking turns at the game. The whole family took the game very seriously.

“Does yours have….SQUARE PANTS?!” my mom would ask.

“No.”

“Does yours have…….TESTICLES?!!” my brother would ask. “I mean, TENTACLES?!”

……………………………


As the day went on, and the drinking, my brother would tell you that at about 4:30 pm, “Kristy TURNED.”

This is when the cooking and drinking frenzy had finally caught up with me. I was a little delirious. It was fun to watch, I’m told.

My brother said, “Kristy’s got the music flowing through her veins! Watch out!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to do air guitar and sing, “Peaches come from a CAN! They were put there by a MAN! In a FACTORY DOWNTOWN!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to go outside and smoke a cigarette with my brother. The neighbors drove by and saw me with my air guitar, cigarette dangling from my lips, and I was channeling Rage Against the Machine, “Then you do what they told you! Now you’re under control!”

It was some mid-90’s flashbacks there.

I also learned that it is not a smart decision to save rolls for one year in the freezer, planning to use them only for Christmas dinners. When you spend money on a prime rib roast, you should not care about saving a buck by using 12 month old frozen rolls. It appears that this causes the rolls to turn into flat pancakes, but hey, those “rolls” were set proudly out on the table with the wine and roast. Butter those babies up, and they were still damn good.

When we sat down to eat, I put on our family’s special Christmas CD that I created a few years ago. This is a mix very true to my family, and I love it. Kenny Rogers, John Lennon, Neil Diamond, John Denver, Oak Ridge Boys, Elvis, Elton John, and it ends with some rousing Flobot action.

By the time dinner was wrapping up, Flobots were on and my son and I danced hard in the living room. “I can do whatever I want, cuz, look, I can lead a nation with my microphone, with a microphone!”

My niece knows a good party when she sees one and joined us downstairs and proved herself to be an AMAZING rapper! She is freaking awesome. I danced to the rhymes that stumbled deftly out of her mouth. Then, she got her phone going with Lady Gaga, my mom gave me a candlestick for a microphone, and I proceeded to sing like I was a celebrity diva. I really thought, “Damn! I should have asked for a karaoke machine for Christmas!”

After this settled down, we got out the Wii balance board and put on some Wii Fit! What else does one do when they’ve been drinking all day and have had enough song and air guitar?? Get their fitness on, of course.

My niece did a lot of yoga. I tried. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do any of it. “But I usually do great with this!” I would yell as I fell over with one leg in the air.

My brother enjoyed heckling the yoga types. But, I didn’t care. I had my squirrel underpants on.

And then, what do people do when they’ve been drinking all day, have danced and rapped, and done yoga?

They watch Napoleon Dynamite. “What are you going to do today, Napoleon?"

"Whatever I want to do, Gawwwdd.”

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The Day After – A Christmas Hangover

No naked Asian men popped out of our trunks the morning after Christmas, but my brother exited the basement cave with bloodshot eyes, and I looked at my mom and said, “I wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley somewhere.”

Scott looked at me and said, “Let’s go buy a karaoke machine! Gawwd!”

Instead, we went to lunch. A couple of Pinot Grigios at lunch, and it was decided that going to Kohl’s to buy Purses! And Totes! At 65% off was a fabulous idea.

Now I have a new, damn fine tote from Kohl’s, and I am just about recovered from all the festivities.

Almost.

I miss my family.

I don’t look so crazy next to them. Ha!

Happy New Year’s!

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